Tuesday, August 14, 2012

You Spammers Crack Me Up!

My blogging has been limited lately due to me being up to my eyeballs in stuff going on...and considering that I'm only 5'2", it doesn't take much to reach my eyeballs! With too much to try and attempt to update (no, still not pregnant and still not planning on it for years and years to come), I will just give you what you came here for, a laugh!

Since I am wildly popular, or maybe it's just because I'm weird, I have attracted some spam comments over time. The thing about my spam comments, is that they are too funny to find annoying and delete forever. This does mean that I have a load of floating comments in my spam folder, but they bring me great joy as I read how ironic they are on certain posts and how ridiculously obvious it is that they are spam, despite them trying to pull the old "act normal and maybe she'll fall for it and post it on her hugely popular blog so we can get millions of hits and retire early" scheme.

Take this comment for example:

"Hi! Would you mind if I share your blog with my zynga group? There's a lot of people that I think would really enjoy your content. Please let me know. Cheers Here is my web-site :wellington boots sale"

Ha! Your shameless flattery doesn't fool this girl! If you actually had a personal site that was "wellington boots sale" then you really need to go out and get yourself a nickname or hobby. Plus, I already own a pair of wellington boots, thank you very much!

There are other ways that the spammers try and pull the wool over my eyes. Like this one:

Hello! Quick question that's completely off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My blog looks weird when viewing from my apple iphone. I'm trying to find a theme or plugin that might be able to resolve this problem. If you have any recommendations, please share. With thanks! Here is my web blog ... You Could Try This Out

Trying to play with the ever so helpful personality? Well too bad; I'm onto you! ...mostly because your blog link was just an ad for eyedrops...and I also wouldn't have the first clue as to how to answer your question as I'm technologically impaired and am terrified to go near something as up to date as an iPhone.

My favorite spammers though, are the ones that try to act like a normal commenter but they obviously didn't read the post they commented on, especially when they provide their links! For example:

I am extremely inspired together with your writing talents and also with the format for your blog. Is that this a paid subject matter or did you customize it yourself? Either way stay up the excellent quality writing, it's rare to look a nice blog like this one nowadays.. There are a few good critiques i have found the following http://www.mycrappyreviewsite.bla and http://blablablajusttryingtogetpublicity.org/ - just lookin to help! Have a look at my weblog - gorilla swing sets

Firstly, your flattery did not fool me again, especially since you left this comment on my Skinny Dipping Story and I know for a fact that you were nowhere inspired or wowed by my 'writing talents' for a tale like that! And paid subject matter?? Why yes, I actually do get paid to discuss the horrors of skinny dipping in rural America...um NO! And "stay up the excellent quality writing"? Oh the irony! But on a side note, do you set up swing sets secretly in the night in public locations, or are they actually for gorillas? I realized your grammar is totally off so your spelling may be as well, so if you mean the first thing, then you need to change your website to "Guerrilla swing sets". That's my 'good critique' for you.

Then there is the super odd spammer, who makes no sense at all and you are left scratching your head trying to translate it. Like this particular spammer:

What i do not understood is in reality how you're not really a lot more well-preferred than you may be now. You are so intelligent. You already know thus significantly relating to this topic, made me for my part consider it from numerous various angles. Its like men and women aren't interested unless it's something to accomplish with Girl gaga! Your own stuffs nice. At all times deal with it up! My webpagelotto software

My attempted translation of the first line:
"I don't get how you are not more wildly popular that you are now" I know right?

Translation of second line:
"You are so intelligent" ok, so maybe that wasn't necessary to translate but I just liked repeating it!

3rd line translation:
"I know a lot on this topic and caused him to think about it in lots of different ways" That's impressive considering this was my post about how stupid a lotto commercial is over here that states you have a better chance of winning than you do of being attacked by a bear...easy since there are NO BEARS IN IRELAND!!! *except in zoos

4th line translation: 
"??? ??? ??? Girl gaga???" I am lost and have no clue.

5th & 6th line translation:
"your writing is nice but bla bla bla, I don't speak English"

And then since the whole point of the post was to make fun of the Lotto, he kindly gave me a link to his lotto software website! How sweet and very, very dumb.

As stupid as my spammers are, they have brought me great laughter and some confusion, but as a whole, I quite like them. But I'd like to leave a final note to normal spammers: Normal spammers, please do not leave me comments as you are dull and boring. And just to clarify, normal spammers are those who speak English as their first language, who have genuinely interesting websites and actually read my posts. Thank you! 


  1. Oh those crazy spammers. I get those about 15 times a day. Which is why I moderate comments.

  2. I have a pretty good spam filter so I usually don't see mine. Maybe I've been missing something...

  3. Has the "Boycott American Women" dude shown up yet? Talk about a not-so-fun spammer.

  4. Scope, "Boycott American Women" showed up on my blog. He's quite...something. Anyway, I have a spammer who's obviously foreign, but she comes back all the time, reads almost all of my stuff, and leaves comments that pertain to the posts. So when does is a spammer a spammer and when is a spammer a reader who just happens to have their comment luv link to a gun site or girls, girls, girls?

  5. I hardly ever get spam comments, so I kind of like when I do. They make hilarious blog fodder. So now I'm a little jealous.

  6. Oh thank God I'm not alone! I've had a few of them on mine of late. I guess it's a good way to get attention but it's also annoying. I had an Italian nude photographer.. that's right AND he actually followed me!

  7. I get some turning up in my spam folders, of course. One of my friends got a blog squatter hijack an older blog after she consolidated several blogs into one. That spammer is now infesting that blog, plus dozens of others, with spam, despite the fact that my friend has that particular domain registered in her name. She's not happy at all.

    I'm on staff at one website where we're getting spammers regularly. This morning there was one spouting off all sorts of nonsensical phrases with spam links. She was supposedly from the Caribbean, though the spam links led to Polish sites.

  8. Heavens. You at least read your spams. I just delete them because, well, I was taught to.


Does this straitjacket make my butt look big?