Friday, July 29, 2011

Another Laugh from the Past

Yay!!! My internet came back!!! We got a call from the internet company saying that they fixed the line (without sending anyone to our house) and all should be fine! Sure enough, it's back and now I have a stack of blog posts from all the blogs I stalk follow so that will be my day gone. To make sure I give you something, I have dug out another past blog from years ago. This is from my days as a locksmith, I was single and 21 years old when I wrote this.

I hope you enjoy the glimpse into my past life and get a better idea of why I came up with Padded Cell Confessions as my blog name. My life has been slightly more of a bout in nut house than a walk in the park...and I haven't even started on my family! Well, I'm off to catch up on all of your recent posts! Happy Friday!

These were the customers I had to deal with:

Construction Guy: He is a regular and from one of our big accounts. He's in his 40's and likes to hunt and fish. I talk to my customers all the time so I mentioned that I like hunting and fishing too (I've been a hunter and fisher since I was a little kid and love it. Except I can only hunt a specific kind of stupid but tasty bird, everything else is too much like shooting Disney characters to me!). Anyway, this guy thought it was just great that we had this in common and could just see by my BeBe, leather soled, lipstick red, ankle strap, complete with bow, 3 1/2 in. heels that I was the rugged type of woman he was looking for! He was always flirty, but finally after spending a morning getting drugged up and numbed by the dentist (and I think he had drank quite a bit too) he got the courage to ask me out. Luckily he was too drug induced to remember his phone number. So he tried calling it to make sure but got an old lady on the other end instead! Now every time I see him I think he's too embarrassed to even attempt anything! Thank you Lord!

German RVer: He has a thick accent and is in his 70's. He drives a huge, nice RV and comes to me for whatever ails him. He's very nice and friendly. The only reason I bring him up is because of what he calls me. He opens the door and as soon as he sees me he gets a big smile and says: "There's my little magician!" He is just astounded by the little ways I can fix his problems; it's really cute and he doesn't hit on me!

Spa Creep: Probably early 50's, he came in for some lock work and keys cut. While he was here he mentioned that he had a bed & breakfast way up in the woods and was making a brochure for it. He had a nice hot tub and wanted to know if I would be willing to model in it for the brochure. He would pay me and even make me dinner. *EEEK!* Red Flags, Red Flags! I turned him down and he left me pics of the hot tub and his number just in case I changed my mind. Ick!

Mafia Man Seeks Mistress: 40's, accountant or lawyer, I can't remember; he wore pinstripe suits and just looked like a mob guy. Chrissy saw him and thought he was mobster too especially since he even had a henchman. He lived about 45 min away in another city but worked here and came in to get a new lock for his door. It was like an $800 lock and of course he shrugged it off to me like 'no problem'. He was married and even had kids but he threw his money around and looked me up and down like he was majorly trying to impress. Chrissy and I figured this guy just wanted a mistress. I was perfect; very young and lived in another city than his wife! Luckily he got his lock and everything and I haven't had to deal with him since...although it might have been nice to get a diamond or two out of him...eww, what am I saying!

Miss Agent Orange: Can you say psychotic?! I did feel very bad for her though. She's in her 60's or 70's and was a nurse in Vietnam. She had us rekeying her house more times than anyone in the history of the universe. She swore up and down that a guy followed her up here from Oregon. He tormented her there and moved up here when she did to torment her again. Of course this guy was 'good'; he could pick into anything (which isn't usually possible). He would break into her house and never take anything, but move things around to let her know he was there. She said his calling card was pennies. He would leave pennies all over the place, which was his way of taunting her (I know it would bug me! Nobody uses pennies anymore, they just cause clutter...tormenting clutter!) Anyway, she had called the cops a few times and after a while of looking into the case, they told her to seek a good psychologist! Luckily we don't have to deal with her anymore. 

Paranoid Israeli: This guy was never even a customer! In about his 70's or 80's, he would just come in and talk for like 45 min at a time telling me the same thing over and over about how the government was stalking him. His neighbor was a spy even. They killed his wife with stress and he would keep telling me that stress was a whoopun (weapon). He also told me that they even poisoned the food he bought at the grocery store (you know how smart the government is! They knew which products he would buy ahead of time!) This is pretty much all I can say because it would take me about 30 min to finally understand him with his heavy accent!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Out of Cell Message...due to technical difficulties

So apparently nobody informed me that this week was "Do Everything Possible to Annoy Me Week". Tuesday, I was ridiculously emotional and cried over everything which was not helped by every little thing just refusing to work.

Examples: Nothing was on TV so finally when Golden Girls came on, I was desperate for anything to take my mind off of another thing to cry over, but the channel started cutting in an out! It never does that! So I went to read my book in my Kindle..."I'm sorry but your batter is too low". I could have plugged it in but I was too frustrated. I tried to retreat to my happy internet world..."Server not connecting" AHHHHHH!!! And it is STILL not working. There is something wrong with a line and we might have it back in the next couple of days. (Irish translation: probably when I am old and senile so just start drinking now to forget about it.)

Then Wednesday I got quite sick with a painfully nauseous stomach and horrible nagging headache (again, I reiterate: NOT pregnant!). Today, I am feeling better except my allergies are kicking up something fierce and my allergy meds are not putting up much of a fight. I actually think they have wet themselves somewhere in my throat in fear of the aggressive pollen and that is what I keep hacking on.

So this all comes down to:

I'm sorry but I have fallen off the face of the Earth temporarily and am managing to hang on by my little finger. If you see the lost drunk lazy helpful internet repair guy, please send him my direction so I can be rescued. Thank you and I'll hopefully see you by Monday!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Part of My Heart is in Scotland

Today has been an off day. Everything I touch turns to a puddle of tears and my poor husband is having to try his hardest not to laugh over the things that have triggered me. No, I am not pregnant. Like I said, it's just an off day. (He brought me home some popsicles with Pop Rocks in them so I think I'll be better soon!)

I have been thinking a lot about Edinburgh lately. I have really been missing my friends there and some of the wonderful places Branden and I used to explore. America is our first and most significant home, but Edinburgh is where we spent a year and half of our two years of married life. Being that far away from family when you just get married is actually a blessing. If there is an issue or argument, you can't just call your friends or family, you just have to deal with it together. It showed us how good of friends we really are and how grateful all those grueling months we spent apart from each other when we were engaged really honed our communication skills. 

The day before we left Edinburgh, Branden and I took a walk through the fields behind Holyrood Palace. There were still bits of snow on the ground and the cold wind blew in our faces like it always did, year round! We stopped and looked ahead at the city we had grown to know and love, gazed at Arthur's Seat and the hills around it that we used to spend hours walking through and we just lost it. This had been our 'married home' and where we learned how to be 'us'. We were excited to get to go back to the States to see family and then move to Ireland, which we knew was always our final destination, but this was our little married world and we were having to leave it.

Since I have now set myself off again, here are some photos of our time there and a brief glimpse at the things I miss.

The Scott Monument right in the middle of town. When the Christmas Market comes, there is a ferris wheel right next to it.

Edinburgh Castle on it's rocky peak so you get wonderful views of it all over the city.
Princes Street Gardens where you could get away from the loud busses and cars on the street.
 The Royal Botanical Gardens which are free and have a huge range of things to see.
 Portobello Beach which was cold but had a fabulous pub that had a 'bring your own instrument' night on Sundays. We had some great times there with our fun and amazing neighbors.
 Craigmillar Castle which was much less touristy and a great place to wander around.
 The view out of our bedroom window where you could always see the neighborhood's laundry...even in the snow.
 Amazing cemeteries.
Our pond that we would walk up to whenever it was nice enough.
The walk down to The Sheep's Heid, the oldest pub in Edinburgh but wasn't full of loud tourists. It had amazing fidget pie! This trail was just past our pond.
 Holyrood Palace and the ruins of the Abbey with the Craigs being lit up by the sun. 
Arthur's Seat. This was practically our backyard and we spent lots of time taking long walks and forgetting that we were in a city at all.  

Monday, July 25, 2011

Weekend Rewind

Funny how I didn't really have any problems with peer pressure in my teens but sadly, I couldn't take it anymore and I finally joined Twitter. I was a late convert to Facebook so at least I'm consistently slow. It was hard to come up with a user name too and was stuck with only enough characters to have P_Cell_Princess (how gangsta do I sound for a white girl in Ireland!?!) Since I don't text message (and share a cell phone with my husband) I suppose I can try and gain some more attributes of a person my age through all of this. It is really nice to not be tied to a cell phone though and I found when I was back in the States last it was really hard to get back into texting (and I was ridiculously slow at it!). Well, Twitter is different and I'm much better with a keyboard so I think I will be addicted adjusted soon!

Update on my last post about not knowing what was lurking up and down our stairway...It turns out to be a she, about in her early 50's and (from spying behind the curtains) a smoker. My theory: She has emphysema and can't strain her lung capacity by going up and down stairs so she takes her time. So listen up kids: don't smoke! You can get emphysema and have people think you are a crazy person who walks on their hands up stairs (according to Tony Van Helsing) or you have cloven hooves so must be either the Devil or Mr. Tumnus (according to Joshua)! If that isn't enough to make you quit smoking, then I don't know what will!

On a 'super excited, almost to the point of pants peeing' note I got another box-o-fun from my Mom-in-law!! She sent some more really nice watercolor paper, extra fine brushes, jewelry tweezers, necklace clasps, jewelry thread, beads, sequins, more wool, and some other things to make me totally distracted by all the fun things I can make!! I spent about an hour sitting on my bed when it came first thing this morning, sitting in my underwear, pulling apart a necklace to revamp it and make it better, with Branden wondering if I was ever going to shower. Yes, I did finally shower (at about 1:30) but I cleaned the bathroom first! I am too excited and have started pulling together old jewelry pieces that I never wear and have every intention of dissecting them so I can create something else that will be more 'me'. (whatever that is!)

Well, I am off to create something so I will speak to you all soon! Don't forget that I am now 'cool' and on Twitter so tweet me up or something...

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Something is lurking...

Ok, I know I said "have a good weekend" and all that jazz but I have a bit of a curiosity...

Since half of our housemates moved out, their empty rooms are currently used on the weekends as overflow rooms for our landlady's B&B. There is only one guest this weekend and I can't figure out what it is.

Here are the details: We have not seen the B&B occupant but we have heard them. It comes in the door very quietly, walks briskly, but then walks very, very, very slowly up the stairs. It also steps very, very, slowly down the stairs. It sounds like a 5 year old as it takes very slow, little steps as if the stairs are going to kill them or they don't want to wake up some monster by plodding up and down the stairs. At first I thought elderly or disabled but then when I heard it walk on the main floor very briskly, I was totally confused.

Maybe they are terrified of stairs or had never used stairs before?? I have a healthy fear of stairs since I've fallen down them twice. The first was 5 concrete steps and the second was a flight of plywood steps in a new construction house and luckily my best friend Chrissy was a bit in front of me so I could aim my roll in her direction to stop me.

Any thoughts on what this could be?? I know the easiest way would be to try and catch a sight of this person but it is fairly illusive...and new people are scary!

*My husband thinks it may be a diva and like Maria Carey, they just don't do stairs.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Tip for Your Friday

Inhaling your coffee will not get it into your system any quicker! (Unless you consider coughing for the next 2 hours as being 'more awake')

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Random Fact about Me

There is one musical instrument that I absolutely loath with every ounce of my body, the saxophone. I cannot stand the sound of a saxophone and consider it to be the most obnoxious of all musical instruments. If the saxophone was a person, it would be a loud and obnoxious New Jersey grandma who is mostly deaf so only shouts to speak. Do you have a greatly hated instrument?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

A Phrase to Love and Share

I believe that there is a fabulous phrase that adults don't use with each other enough: "Make Good Choices!" My best friend Chrissy was the first person to say this to me as a grown woman and it totally caught me off guard and made me laugh hysterically! I decided from there on, I would use it whenever I found a chance. The best time was earlier this year when I was back in the States and was with my mom as she was having to go in for her first colonoscopy. Since they give you some pretty funky drugs, she needed me to be there for her when she was done so that I could help her get dressed and make sure she was ok. Considering how loopy she was afterwards, I think the whole idea about aliens probing anuses only came about after this procedure came into practice.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. Before mom was taken off to be roto-rooted, we waited in another room where she changed into her hospital gown and got hooked up to some machines. When the time came for her procedure, the nurse came and got her and they both waived goodbye and 'see ya later' to me. This was my moment! They stepped out of the room and I called out, "Make good choices!" I heard my mom do her little airy laugh that usually means "where did this child come from?!", but the nurse was totally thrown off. She did a very confused laugh at first, and then proceeded to grill my mom all the way down the hall:

Nurse: How cute! Why did she say that?

Partially drugged Ma: To be funny.

Nurse: Oh so did you used to say that to her as a teenager then and so she says it to you now?

Ma: No, I never had to say that to her growing up.

Nurse: Did she get it from her dad?

Ma: No, she was an easy teenager and we never had to say that to her.

Even more confused Nurse: Well then where did she come up with that?

Ma: I don't know, you never know what that child will come up with. (slight tone of "Lady, I'm about to have 15 feet of cable shoved up my rectum so I have bigger things to be concerned about!")

The nurse pressed on, but their voices were muffled as they entered the probe room and I sat in my room, waiting and with a big grin on my face!

I urge you good people, whenever a chance presents itself, find a way to use "Make good choices!" as often as you can to your adult friends and family, and you can have your own fun and awkward story to tell!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Chemistry Lesson from the Weekend

Red wine on a white duvet cover will turn magenta with antibacterial hand soap and bright blue with powdered laundry detergent.

Friday, July 15, 2011

A Laugh from the Past

Padded Cell Confessions started out as a blog on MSN Spaces back in early 2005. It went well for over 3 years and then I changed jobs and didn't have time to blog at work anymore so it sadly died. MSN Spaces is now gone and have changed to something new but I was able to save all of my past posts. I am being a little lazy because I have spent about 3 hours making a purple and orange stegosaurus for my nephew by way of needle felting and my back is shot. This will go with his dark blue with light blue spotted t-rex that I made him last night. I can't wait for him to get them! (and I really hope they are kid proof!)

Anyhoo, so this post is an old post from early 2006 when I was still working at my first ever job as a locksmith. I was a locksmith for just over 6 years and it was my favorite job by a long shot! (Obviously since my next favorite job was working at a drug and sex clinic!) I started locksmithing as an apprentice when I was 16 but since the town I lived in was a very small town, business had its down times which was perfect for starting a blog! Since the locksmith shop was slow, we also brought in a joint business that was an internet company and our location was supposed to be a 'micro shop' where I could sell and set people up to broadband or dial up or something. Here is the post and I hope you enjoy it!

Besides being a locksmith, I also sell internet service. The downside is that I know NOTHING about computers. We sell it out of our office, mostly over the phone. For some reason, the head Mucky Muck changed our DSL modem or something so we had to change our username and password. He sent me an email telling me to call tech support and have them walk me through the process. No biggie, I take directions fairly well' so I called them. I was on hold forever, finally talked to a homo sapien named Diego, got put on hold again, and when he got back he told me I had to call customer service in order to do it. I didn't know the number so he gave it to me. I called the number and a familiar voice provided the touch tone was the head Mucky Muck's voice. I followed what it said, pushed the right numbers for customer service and guess what I! It rang at my office! I am customer service! I'm now laughing and debating on calling tech support back to tell them that I AM customer service and have no clue as to what I'm doing...but their hold music sucked. So I guess this means I can tell myself whatever! What do you do when you have the question but are supposed to be the the head Mucky Muck.

Update: (the next day)

I received an email from tech support saying this:

Recently, you contacted ****** Internet Services Customer Support. We appreciate the opportunity to assist you, and we hope we were responsive to your needs.

To help us ensure that we are providing the expert assistance you require, please take a minute to fill out a short online survey by clicking on the link below.

I clicked on the link and all questions were multiple choice...I'm filling in my own answers here and will just tell them to read my blog!

1. What was the outcome of your initial contact on this request for assistance?

Feelings of stupidity, followed by laughter, then realization that this could be a problem.

2. How would you rate the agent who assisted you (Diego) on each of the following?
Courtesy:  Excellent! He knew my appreciation for bad music so he allowed me to be on hold for most of the time just so I could enjoy it!
Willingness to Help: Again another Excellent! By making me call myself for the answers it was like a self-help nightmare and I was forced to face my inner peril making me such a stronger person.
Product Knowledge: Sorry Diego, you get Poor! You didn't know the answer and made me call myself. I'm blaming you for all...(I really hope they don't send this survey to people who call me!)
Answered Questions Completely: HA! Poor! I still don't know what to say to myself, so he sent me to a totally incompetent person...but her voice is very sexy, I think she's hot...
Overall Handling of the Case: I have to give Excellent because I didn't know what I was going to blog about and this was just too entertaining!
3. How long did it take to completely resolve your problem?
  Let's see, I'm going on about 18 hours now and I still haven't gotten it taken care of. 
4. Please rate your overall level of satisfaction with the service you received.
 Diego gets a 2 but send customer service a 10 and a bonus! 
5. How would you describe your computer and Internet expertise? 
 The same as my knowledge and understanding of the reproductive habits of marsupials.
6. Please help us provide you with quality support by providing us with any comments or suggestions you think we may find useful. 

*I hope you enjoyed this laugh from my past and have a wonderful weekend!

 My creations for my nephew...I call the blue one Monstersaurus Rex!

 They aren't very big which is why I'm not making any toys for his 9 month old brother!
Branden's creation today! His watercolor of a photo of a 1958 Porsche 356A out of a magazine...I think I might need to stick to my felting...
This was mine that I mentioned a few blogs is my second ever watercolor and I really screwed up by trying to put white on with a pin and made it all gloopy. I also need to learn how to do trees, bushes and buildings (basically the whole thing!). Branden is definitely becoming the watercolor master.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Pride Comes before the Fall...literally

I have been restless and antsy lately, so yesterday I decided to try and experiment with what was in my wardrobe to create a different look. Sadly, I spent a good part of the day fiddling with a scarf to get it just right so it looked like a whispy, summery top. Branden even saw how frustrated I was getting and tried helping me a bit. Finally in the late afternoon, I got something that I liked and felt was suitable for public.

We decided to go for a walk through the park before dinner, which was a nice way for me to gain confidence for my new fashion creation. The gentle breeze played up the nice flowy look and my walk soon turned to a graceful strut as I felt more and more happy with my look. There were a lot of people in the park and I felt as though my look stood out and was unique and beautiful.

We made it all the way around the park and were on our way to the benches by the pond in the center when out of nowhere a step appeared. I was so busy keeping my head high and basking in my gracefulness that I didn't see it until I was on the ground next to it. Unfortunately swallowing my pride meant having to eat asphalt first, which I feel did damage my look a bit...and my poor knee. I tried brushing it off by pointing out some baby ducks in the pond but sadly my confidence had been worn thin (much like material of my jeans on my knee). Branden helped me home, washed the blood out of my jeans and put 2 Scooby Doo bandaids on my bruised, battered and bleeding knee.

As I look back on it today, I think I probably was a bit hard on myself. I don't think my falling was half as embarrassing as a guy we saw by the pond who was sunbathing and had major patches of splotchy back hair sticking out all over. Even Scooby Doo bandaids are more fashionable than that!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Tip of the Day!

Don't leave your power chair/mobility scooter parallel parked in front of your local pub when I don't have my camera!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Out of Cell Message

I'm sorry, I'm not in today. The sun has decided to pay us a rare visit and I would find it rude to not spend some quality time with it. Please leave a comment after the post and I will get back to you when it starts chucking down rain again. Oh, and please also send me a quick prayer that this doesn't ruin my afternoon of peace and serenity. Thank you and have a great day!

*Note: There really aren't a whole lot of things that I miss about America but swim trunks definitely make my list!

Monday, July 11, 2011

Last Stop, Kinsale!

Someone needs to make me a nice "Slacker" sign and nail gun it to my forehead! I have been bad especially since I am now posting the third stop of our anniversary trip and that was 2 weeks ago! I am almost antsy to just get this done so I can get back to writing some of my crazy life stories, including one about a fun phrase that I don't think is used enough but can be quite entertaining at something like your mom's colonoscopy exam (or so I discovered).

Anyhoo (or Anyhootzen if you are my mom-in-law), Kinsale was our last stop for our day tour and it was absolutely picture perfect! We had a little over an hour to snoop around the cute little village which was full of amazing buildings and colorful shops!

A view from a hill, looking into the harbor.
In the harbor, looking at some of the pretty shops.
The weather was great! Thank goodness! Our tour guide told us that you can rent a boat for fishing here for either 70 euros for half a day or 100 euros for a full day. How wonderful would that be!?! Someday, I'll get a few friends, pack a cooler, and enjoy a day of fishing in this beautiful setting!
Common village road. One car only and you better not have an SUV as your car! I would think driving here would be a nightmare...but Branden thinks it's fun. Boys...
Apparently Guinness was given for free to pregnant women in hospitals because of it's nutritional value! I love these old ads.
St. Multose Church which was built in 1190.
The windows though were probably made in the 1960's and are probably painted glass, but they were beautiful!
This is a newer looking this a common issue??? Well, at least it's not as bad as some of the signs in Japan!
A cute little cottage with boat window boxes! I almost think that everyone here must be an artist.
Some very colorful shops! Ok, and I also love that I got a pregnant woman and her cute family in the shot...I think pregnant women are adorable!

Happy Monday to all you suckers that have to work!  

*ducks staplers being thrown

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Helpful Tip of the Day!

If you are painting with watercolors, DO NOT put your tea mug next to your water jar!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A whole lot of Blarney!

Sorry this has taken me so long to continue. My mother-in-law sent me a box full of amazing fun craft stuff and I have to admit that I spent all day yesterday needle felting. She sent me lots of wonderfully dyed wools, all the things I need for felting, and also watercolor sets with watercolor papers. Also, there were lots of nice ribbons, buttons and papers to make all sorts of fun creations! Today I made a list of things I need to do and I'm not allowed to start crafting until I am done! Getting back into my blog world is on my list so I am looking forward to reading all my favorite blogs and catching up in blog land.

So back to my Anniversary trip and our second stop, Blarney! We had 2 hours to see the sights, most famously the Blarney Stone. High up Blarney Castle, we had to wait about an hour in line to get to the top!

It was a very pretty castle surrounded by acres of gorgeous grounds, two lakes on either side, and a poisonous plant garden.

We spent about half an hour in this little tiny tube of a stone spiral staircase, packed on either side by American tourists hoping to kiss a rock. We were all smiles of relief to get to the top and in the air again!
And here is the famous stone. You can tell by the dark wet looking spot where everyone kisses the stone. You can also notice that it's a long way down. We decided against kissing a rock with tons of tourists's lip nasties on it, and instead were happy with a nice photo!
It was worth the wait just to look at the stone because the views from the top of the castle were amazing! The green colors were incredible!
A line of people waiting to be infected...I look at the photo and see Mater's face from Cars in the windows of the castle! Do you see it?
Tourism at it's finest...but it made me wonder, what would you write in your own bench?
The view up to the Blarney Stone at the top...yet another reason to not kiss it!
The little waterfall in a beautiful swamp type garden. It was gorgeous!
From the witch in the Blarney Stone legend, this is supposedly a rock that looks like her. On top of the rock, people put coins for luck or something...tempting to think that I may have had my wine at dinner paid for...