Friday, July 29, 2011

Another Laugh from the Past

Yay!!! My internet came back!!! We got a call from the internet company saying that they fixed the line (without sending anyone to our house) and all should be fine! Sure enough, it's back and now I have a stack of blog posts from all the blogs I stalk follow so that will be my day gone. To make sure I give you something, I have dug out another past blog from years ago. This is from my days as a locksmith, I was single and 21 years old when I wrote this.

I hope you enjoy the glimpse into my past life and get a better idea of why I came up with Padded Cell Confessions as my blog name. My life has been slightly more of a bout in nut house than a walk in the park...and I haven't even started on my family! Well, I'm off to catch up on all of your recent posts! Happy Friday!

These were the customers I had to deal with:

Construction Guy: He is a regular and from one of our big accounts. He's in his 40's and likes to hunt and fish. I talk to my customers all the time so I mentioned that I like hunting and fishing too (I've been a hunter and fisher since I was a little kid and love it. Except I can only hunt a specific kind of stupid but tasty bird, everything else is too much like shooting Disney characters to me!). Anyway, this guy thought it was just great that we had this in common and could just see by my BeBe, leather soled, lipstick red, ankle strap, complete with bow, 3 1/2 in. heels that I was the rugged type of woman he was looking for! He was always flirty, but finally after spending a morning getting drugged up and numbed by the dentist (and I think he had drank quite a bit too) he got the courage to ask me out. Luckily he was too drug induced to remember his phone number. So he tried calling it to make sure but got an old lady on the other end instead! Now every time I see him I think he's too embarrassed to even attempt anything! Thank you Lord!

German RVer: He has a thick accent and is in his 70's. He drives a huge, nice RV and comes to me for whatever ails him. He's very nice and friendly. The only reason I bring him up is because of what he calls me. He opens the door and as soon as he sees me he gets a big smile and says: "There's my little magician!" He is just astounded by the little ways I can fix his problems; it's really cute and he doesn't hit on me!

Spa Creep: Probably early 50's, he came in for some lock work and keys cut. While he was here he mentioned that he had a bed & breakfast way up in the woods and was making a brochure for it. He had a nice hot tub and wanted to know if I would be willing to model in it for the brochure. He would pay me and even make me dinner. *EEEK!* Red Flags, Red Flags! I turned him down and he left me pics of the hot tub and his number just in case I changed my mind. Ick!

Mafia Man Seeks Mistress: 40's, accountant or lawyer, I can't remember; he wore pinstripe suits and just looked like a mob guy. Chrissy saw him and thought he was mobster too especially since he even had a henchman. He lived about 45 min away in another city but worked here and came in to get a new lock for his door. It was like an $800 lock and of course he shrugged it off to me like 'no problem'. He was married and even had kids but he threw his money around and looked me up and down like he was majorly trying to impress. Chrissy and I figured this guy just wanted a mistress. I was perfect; very young and lived in another city than his wife! Luckily he got his lock and everything and I haven't had to deal with him since...although it might have been nice to get a diamond or two out of him...eww, what am I saying!

Miss Agent Orange: Can you say psychotic?! I did feel very bad for her though. She's in her 60's or 70's and was a nurse in Vietnam. She had us rekeying her house more times than anyone in the history of the universe. She swore up and down that a guy followed her up here from Oregon. He tormented her there and moved up here when she did to torment her again. Of course this guy was 'good'; he could pick into anything (which isn't usually possible). He would break into her house and never take anything, but move things around to let her know he was there. She said his calling card was pennies. He would leave pennies all over the place, which was his way of taunting her (I know it would bug me! Nobody uses pennies anymore, they just cause clutter...tormenting clutter!) Anyway, she had called the cops a few times and after a while of looking into the case, they told her to seek a good psychologist! Luckily we don't have to deal with her anymore. 

Paranoid Israeli: This guy was never even a customer! In about his 70's or 80's, he would just come in and talk for like 45 min at a time telling me the same thing over and over about how the government was stalking him. His neighbor was a spy even. They killed his wife with stress and he would keep telling me that stress was a whoopun (weapon). He also told me that they even poisoned the food he bought at the grocery store (you know how smart the government is! They knew which products he would buy ahead of time!) This is pretty much all I can say because it would take me about 30 min to finally understand him with his heavy accent!


  1. don't you just love people? Apparently I was in the same frame of mind today as you were all those years ago. lol People can seriously drive a saint to drinking.

  2. You're back :0) Construction guys are the best LOL!

  3. Good luck catching up! What? You didn't want to be his mistress?

  4. Sorry to hear that you've had problems too. Lucky you, yours are already fixed. Must be because you're being so good. If that's the case there's no help coming for me.

    Keeping digging kiddo. You have good stuff.

  5. I totally spat all over Daves desk at the woopun. so not expected and TOOOOO funny. Singgle Out Loud!

  6. My favorite was the spa creep. Totally uck! Some men don't even have to proposition you but still give off the "I'm a total creeper who would love nothing more than to roofie your ass and do naughty things to your knee cleavage" vibe...or something.
    This post was funny and seriously...who ARE these people?

  7. I'm an amateur photographer and I sometimes hire girls to pose for me. You can't imagine how awkward it is to ask a 20-something girl if she will model for you. It doesn't matter how you say it, you always feel like everyone thinks you're a serial rapist or something. Sometimes they agree and model for you without any problem, and other times you get the pepper spray to the face.

  8. Craziness: your last sentence made me think of the old lady on Ellen that said, "I love Jesus but I drink a little" (may be my new life motto!)

    Elisabeth: Especially being a female locksmith in a male industry, a lot of the construction workers were hilarious because they didn't know how to handle me.

    Joshua: My head almost exploded trying to catch up, and I know I missed a lot still. No, I didn't particularly want to be his mistress because the mafia look really doesn't ring my bell, so to speak. Slicked back hair is just wrong.

    Boomer: Thanks as always for your visits (and thanks for calling me kiddo) :)

    Anonymous (aka Chrissy): Did I manage to remember a story you forgot?? Yay! When does that ever happen!?

    Vixen: I am never going to look at knee cleavage the same again! lol, thanks for stopping by and welcome to my Cell!

    Fail: I can imagine it would be hard and awkward but I'm sure you don't make extra effort to dress like a major creeper! The only way this guy could have looked any more scary is if he made his clothes out of red flags! I did carry pepper spray on me at the locksmith shop since I was there alone a lot and this guy was slimy enough to make me turn off the safety switch!

  9. I just got your comment on my blog. I'd LOVE to read about your search keywords LOL!


Does this straitjacket make my butt look big?