Diet changes that are changing me

I will start everything off by saying that I don't believe in diets. They may work for a time but as soon as you stop them, the majority of people will gain weight back and even then some. What I do believe in is eating right. I lived my whole life (except the last year or so) fighting what I knew was true in my head because I didn't want to give up what I put in my mouth. I knew that if I gave up eating crap and started exercising then I wouldn't be fighting the weight battle anymore but I liked my large quantities, I liked my junk food, I liked convenient foods prepared for me, and most importantly, I wanted to have it all and be the weight that I wanted with minimum effort on exercise. Isn't that what most of us want and hope for? It is this unrealistic desire that companies who sell supplements, exercise equipment, and "wonder products" make ridiculous amounts of money from.

So, as a person who was gaining weight, unhappy with my body, had no money for magic pills or gym memberships, I knew what I had to do and knew it wouldn't cost me a dime. I had to workout and get moving every day, I had to eat foods that I knew were healthy, and I needed to cut the foods that I knew were bad. The diet industry would go bankrupt and shrivel up if everyone did this, but it's not easy and that's why we desperately try to cut corners and tell ourselves that it's still ok to do the unhealthy things we do as there are products out there to take care of it.

Right, so now I am ranting a bit. Can you tell how much I hate the weight loss industry??? Anyway, one thing I have done is gotten rid of a lot of crap in my diet and I have to say, my food is so much better tasting that it was before! Who knew eating healthy food would be better?!? I am also not concerned about my weight anymore and have found joy and peace in my body knowing that I am taking care of it in a healthy way so I should love it because now it is a healthy body. Also the inches are slipping away slowly so that is also a bonus! (of course all the free workout videos from Youtube is helping with that!) So without further ado or ranting, here are some things that I have gotten rid of and substituted with healthier, and tastier options:

*Also note that I not a dietitian and just a regular person with the general knowledge of what is bad for you and what is good for you.

Gotten Rid of: Potatoes
Why: I don't do well with starchy foods, and unless you keep the peels on, potatoes aren't the most beneficial substance in the veg world.
Substituted with: Sweet Potatoes
Why: They have so much more flavor, are much healthier than regular potatoes, and I can use them for everything I would use regular potatoes for...even oven baked fries!

Gotten Rid of: White Rice
Why: Again, it is starchy and does nothing for me. I also don't really like it as I find it boring and just 'waters down' the taste of what I'm eating it with.
Substituted with: Quinoa
Why: It is so tasty, has a great rice-ish texture, and is a great source of protein. It doesn't 'water down' the food I eat it with and it keeps me full for longer.

Gotten Rid of: Store bought salad dressings
Why: They are full of sugar, fat, salt, and preservatives. They make your salad unhealthy.
Substituted with: Homemade salad dressing
Why: I know what is in it which doesn't include sugar and preservatives. It is super easy and quick to make and tastes a lot better too! We make not only the typical balsamic vinaigrette dressing but also honey mustard, and our own ranch (without using a ranch dressing mix which is not that great for you either).

Gotten Rid of: Store bought soups
Why: Like salad dressings, these can have extra sugars, loads of salt, and preservatives. Plus, I don't trust the meat to be real or the veg to fresh.
Substituted with: Homemade soups
Why: Again, having the power to control what goes into my own food is huge in keeping myself healthy! Some soups can be time consuming, but for the most part, they are easy to make, have way less salt, and all the fresh ingredients I want to put in! One of my favorite quick soups is tomato soup. I use a non BPA lined can of chopped tomatoes (and all that is in the ingredients are tomatoes and water), heat it up on the stove and throw in a low sodium, organic stock cube of my choice (either veg, beef, or tomato are my favorites) some dried basil, black pepper, and viola! You can take a hand blender, use a regular blender, or I just use my potato masher since I like some texture, but it's so tasty and I have soup in about 15 mins.

Gotten Rid of: Pasta
Why: It is starchy and doesn't sit well with me. Plus I find it also "waters down" the flavors of my sauce and veggies like rice.
Substituted with: Zucchini (or courgette if you are where I am)
Why: Zucchini pasta is so tasty! I just take a potato peeler to it and shave pasta like strips off until I get to the core (which I chop up and throw in to the pasta). It cooks up in minutes, tastes so much better, and is way healthier than starchy noodles. Plus it doesn't "water down" the flavor either.

Gotten Rid of: Store bought pasta sauce
Why: Sugar, salt, and preservatives
Substituted with: Homemade pasta sauce
Why: Eating stuff from a jar now is sickeningly sweet and so not as tasty as what I can make! I control what goes in my red sauce pastas and I don't use any sugar! I don't need to. Making my own sauce is easy and extremely delicious. I occasionally will make white sauces too but I usually use chicken stock and plain yogurt.

Gotten Rid of: Ice Cream
Why: It's pretty easy to know why this isn't healthy! Cream, sugar, and store bought stuff has all sorts of other crap in it.
Substituted with: Frozen bananas!
Why: By freezing chunks of frozen bananas and simply putting them into a food processor, I can have soft serve ice cream without all the sugar, fat, or guilt! I can even customize it in ways that helps whatever flavor I'm craving. My favorite is with unsweetened cocoa powder and a bit of peanut butter...mmmm! Satisfying and healthy!

Gotten Rid of: Pizza
Why: It is high in fat, carbs, salt, and lots of other processed crap.
Substituted with: Whole wheat tortilla based pizzas you make yourself
Why: I will admit that we actually don't eat the substitute at all anymore but if we get a big pizza hankering (which they do go away!) this was a really tasty way to have it. Using the whole wheat tortillas as a base cuts the carbs way back, and then we made our own pizza sauce (very much like how we make our red pasta sauce) and put on our own toppings and cheese. We control the quantity and it is just so much better than frozen pizza!

Gotten Rid of: Pork sausages and bacon
Why: High in fat
Substituted with: Turkey sausages
Why: Bacon has been cut completely from our diet (yes, I heard all those gasps!) but seriously we don't miss it. Our turkey sausages come from a local butcher who makes them nearby. Turkey is much healthier and it actually can have a ton of flavor.

Gotten Rid of: Using a lot of butter and olive oil
Why: Butter is only healthy if used in small quantities and I find olive oil to leave greasy residue.
Substituted with: Goose or duck fat
Why: Goose and duck fat, although high in fat, can actually lower your cholesterol and is fantastic to cook with. I have a recipe I make all the time that would use about a tablespoon of olive oil and we always found there to be an oily residue. When I swapped to goose fat, I actually use less (about a teaspoon) as it goes farther, and it blended in with the dish and didn't leave a greasy residue! Now I use it for soups, casseroles, and anything I can think of! I do buy mine from a local butcher so I know it doesn't have a bunch of crap in it and is just pure goose fat (or duck fat, depending on what they have in).

Gotten Rid of: Sugar substitutes
Why: There have been plenty enough studies done that have shown these to be horrible for you!
Substituted with: Honey or I just use regular sugar
Why: Anytime I can use honey instead of sugar, that is my instant solution. However, I know that sometimes I can't avoid it so if I have to use sugar, I'll use sugar. It may not be perfect, but it is still better than those chemically crazy sugar substitutes. The good thing is that now you can just hit up the old search engine for any tasty dessert dish you could desire and find out how to make it with honey, maple syrup, or some other healthier form of sugar. This is one of my absolute favorite new dessert recipes and it's versatile and tasty!

Flourless Chocolate Chip Chickpea Blondie

Gotten Rid of: Cream
Why: It is so high in fat that the allowance of what you should eat in a day is too minuscule to what you would actually use
Substituted with: Milk (for coffee) or canned coconut milk (for whipped cream)
Why: You can have more milk in your day than you can cream so it makes more sense to put that in your coffee instead. I've actually found cream in coffee to be more of an American thing as I have never seen it over here and everyone just does milk. I adjusted to just milk really easily and then my coffee doesn't have to be a stumbling block of sugar and extra fat as a start to my day. Also using the solids in canned coconut milk is a tasty way to make whipped cream and you don't have to feel as guilty.

Gotten Rid of: Breakfast cereals or granola bars
Why: These usually have lots of sugars in them
Substituted with: Homemade smoothies, eggs, or whole wheat peanut butter toast
Why: I love homemade smoothies and my favorite at the moment is 1 avocado, 3 or 4 pears, 2 frozen bananas, dash of vanilla, and a bit of milk. (this is breakfast enough for 2 people!) This is like having a sweet vanilla milkshake for breakfast! Branden is also the king of making eggs so if he's around in the mornings, he will make a killer scramble, omelette, or fried eggs for us. If I am lazy then whole wheat toast with a smear of peanut butter is a great way to get me to eat in the morning, and our peanut butter doesn't have much sugar in it either.

I know I must have more, and I definitely have lots of recipes I could share from any of these so let me know if you are curious about any of them! I will do my best with sharing my recipes, as I don't measure anything out and am mostly a 'go by taste' chef. This may seem like a lot and be overwhelming but if you really are interested, I'd suggest just taking one or a few of these and trying to implement them in your every day life. Once you get comfortable in making them and taste how much better they are, you can build up the confidence to try others or find ways to make healthier, tastier substitutions in your life! I'm always looking for new substitutions in mine! Any way to get healthier!

This is not easy for me

I am over at my other blog today sharing a very difficult story. It is Granny's Story, the beautiful story of her passing and you can read it HERE

*Note: bring your own tissues


And for you giggle for today, here is my tip of the day!

Tip of the Day:

It is not the best idea to put your makeup on while watching RuPaul's Drag Race.

Da Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb!

I love Christmas. I have been decorating since the beginning of November and listening to Christmas music since October. However, there is one "Christmas" thing (in quotes because I don't consider it to be legit) that is like fingernails on a chalkboard to my festive ears. The Little Drummer Boy.

I hate that little punk with his lame story line, obnoxious lyrics ("pa rum pum pum pum" are not lyrics or drum noises!), and boring melody that sound like children of the Christmas corn chanting. Lately there has been a viral video of an A Capella group singing this festive nightmare of a song, which I refuse to post for fear of inviting a drumming poltergeist to my blog, and I am the least bit impressed...and couldn't even make it to the 1 min mark. They had the same effect as rolling a cat turd in chocolate...or marmite...either way it is still gross and still poop. I suppose if I liked overly auto-tuned 90 music then it would have been palatable but it is still the Little Drummer Boy and he is still an unbiblical nuisance that should just be considered of the devil and burned at the stake.

Due to the multiple shares of this atrocity of a video, I posted this as my facebook status recently:

Dear Little Drummer Boy,
You are still obnoxious, annoying, and do I have to even mention unBiblical!?! Once again you are not invited to any part of my Christmas celebrating no matter how "amazing" some band remade you because in all seriousness, no amount of redoing could ever make you tolerable to my eardrums.

Loathfully,
Maggie 

P.S. I'm pretty sure if you were real you would have made baby Jesus cry and spit up on himself.

This did create a bit of hubub from my friends and family but I suppose the real questions is, "Why on earth do you like this song???". I seriously need to know because I just don't get it. I would understand using a hedgehog for a toothbrush before I could understand the cultish following of this instrumentally challenged kid.

I would just much rather listen to this:

A birthday wish

Warning: This post may make no sense whatsoever to any sane person.

There is something I say that just cracks Branden up and reinforces his knowledge that his wife is odd.

"I want to look like a woman."

This took me a while to explain to him what I meant by it. Ever since I was young, I would look at women on commercials and movies and look forward to the day when I would look like them. No, not their unrealistic images, edited out wrinkles, and perfect everything. I looked forward to no longer looking like a 'girl'. The women I saw on TV didn't look like their high school selves, they had just 'matured' passed that girl look into a woman that didn't look old but also didn't look like a kid. I still look a bit like my high school yearbook photos and I'm not complaining that I may look young, but I want to look like a gown up! A young grown up, but still a grown up!

Branden understands this but he also finds it utterly funny, probably because I do not have anywhere near the body of a girl and I still look young so I shouldn't complain. The other night when we were laying in bed and having one of our odd conversations, I asked him, "When I turn 29 do you think I will finally look like a woman?"

Branden giggled at me, probably because he knew I only had about a week to make the womanly transformation, "Maybe when you are 30..."

"Oh no, I'm not going to be 30 and you should be supportive of making sure I don't turn 30 as it would just be weird for you to be married to a 30 year old."

Strange how he didn't quite agree...

So I figure now that I've got less than a week to find some way to erase any traces of my past teenage looks while still looking young...I may start with the Oreos on my desk that have been staring me down all morning!

Now for something completely different, a hilarious video for you!

Poor bunny...but I still am laughing!

How long does your Advent calendar last?

Last week I received a wonderful phone call! My friend Jo had found the homeless man we had been looking for (remember the one that we almost embarrassed ourselves over bad Google Translate) and she could take him into McDonalds for some food to give me time to get into town and give him the coat! My housemate was kind enough to drive me so I didn't have to huff the 25 min walk and the man was very glad to have some food, the coat, and two women for company...even if we didn't speak the same language. We tried to arrange to meet him the next day at a certain time so we could trim his now longer nails but we weren't surprised when he wasn't actually there the next day. I should clarify that he doesn't beg on the streets so that is why he can be so hard to find as he tends to wander. We did some shopping in town and checked back around his usual areas but still didn't find him so his talons will continue to grown for now.

Jo got out her mini tree and set of white lights for me to borrow, and with the rest of the house onboard, we set it up in the living room window sill with a bunch of decorations I made and a string of colored lights as well. Branden's mom also has given us some things, including some mini vintage glass balls and mini vintage tinsel garland. I think our tree is adorable! We didn't check the tree before I left Jo's house so when I got home and found that only 1 of the 3 stand feet was in the box, I was able to improvise by putting it in a Christmas tin that my dad sent his Christmas candies in last year. It looks better that way I think anyway! Here, you can see for yourselves.

 My mom-in-law made the bottle brush trees at the bottom and gave me the little doe who has a light bulb in her mouth that lights up when you push her tail. I filled the little photo frames and the one on the left is an image out of a Christmas card and the one on the right is just some fun paper with a sticker of a snowflake and a sticker saying "Joy to the World". 

 I needle felted the gingerbread man, the penguin (who has pipe cleaner feet), the Santa hat, and multi colored balls. 

 Near the top is a needle felted reindeer with pipe cleaner antlers, a needle felted snowman head, a needle felted star with red stitching and a button, and mini pipe cleaner candy canes that I made. There is an adorable needle felted snowman in the bottom right of the corner that my mom-in-law made me. He's so cute!

 I twisted a pipe cleaner to spell out "Love" which is at the bottom, I also twisted some old sparkly pipe cleaners into curly loops and stuck them all over. I also needle felted the mitten near the bottom right. 

In our room, we don't have much space to decorate. On top of our dresser we usually have a display of photos from our wedding on top of our cake stand from our wedding. I needle felted a little nativity scene and made a mini Christmas display.

That's the Advent calendar Branden's mom sent us on the left. 

There is a tiny little wooden kitty that Branden bought me at the base of the little bottle brush tree. That tree is only about 3 inches tall so the kitty is so tiny and I love it!

This is on our desk. I replaced some of our normal photos with past Christmas cards and also put out some of our past Christmas cards. 

We have some festive window stickies in our room too that Branden's mom sent but I didn't get a shot of that. The Advent calendar is pretty tasty and I love the vintage image on it. However, having a 'box' of chocolates that has to last me 22 more days is not looking promising...especially since it's the time of the month where all chocolate is sniffed out and consumed within my living space in between the hours spent curled up with a heat pad and wishing death upon myself. Thinking of how menstrual women deal with Advent calendars through the month of December inspired me to create this:

All I want for Christmas is menopause...but I have a feeling that wouldn't be something fun to find in a stocking on Christmas morning!

And so it starts...

It's wonderful to visit Blogland and read about everyone's great things that they are thankful for! Today, I am going to share what I am NOT thankful for! Something happened to me so sinister, and so evil, that it's taken me this long to collect myself and tell the tale. This is very difficult for me to open up about and very difficult for me to process.

Last week I was getting ready to walk into town to see Branden after work and do some shopping. I went into the bathroom to fix my hair when I notice how shiny my hair looked and in particular, one specific hair... My mind raced, my heart began to hope against the fear rising inside of me, and I desperately tried to single out the extremely shiny hair. Finally I grasped it and pulled! To my shock and horror, I was holding a silver hair that came from the top of my head! So much went through my brain, "But I don't have children! I'm not even 30! I sleep in till 10am every day and don't have a stressful job! My husband is only 25!!!".

As unforgiving as this bodily uprising is, I do tend to try and find a positive in all negative things. The silver hair had a bit of curl or wave to it so maybe I won't be stuck with stick strait hair forever...but that still doesn't make me feel any better!

I do have a lot to be thankful for, but this is my Padded Cell after all, so I am allowed to be a bit backwards!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Autumn Walks in Cork

Last time I gave you all a feast for your eyes with photos from the area I am from in America. Today I'm sharing a bit of Autumn in the area around our house. Branden and I managed to find a bit of time in our crazy week to go on a walk which was wonderful in the cold, crisp air.

We also found a bit of time to sing together. After discovering this song recently, Branden busted out his ukelele and learned to play this adorable song.




The verses are perfectly us even if the chorus isn't quite as much. Sure it would be nice to buy our parents homes in the South of France but getting rich isn't exactly something we look at as a goal. Yes we would love to have a house some day but we don't want a big one...someone has to clean it! Money can't buy you happiness, give you freedom, or make your marriage better. We've gone our entire marriage with hardly any of it and I think it's removed the clutter of unimportant stuff and kept us focused on what really matters, each other. We've never fought about money and it is true that some things would be a bit easier if we had a bit more at times, but I feel extremely blessed by our situation and how strong it's made our marriage. I may have loved Branden with all that I could on the day I married him, but it seems minuscule in comparison to how much I love him now, over 3 years later.

Living in Beauty

I am very grateful to live in such a beautiful country. Ireland is truly gorgeous but I also was spoiled by incredible landscape where I grew up in Washington State. I grew up in a house with an unspoiled panoramic view of the Olympic Mountains on my back doorstep. Recently I looked back on some of my photos from when I lived in my tiny little hometown and some of the gorgeous sites that I used to visit. Some of these are in Canada which was fairly close.

Olympic Mountains from Hurricane Ridge 

 Hurricane Ridge

A park in Victoria, BC 

The Botanical Gardens in Vancouver, BC 

Railroad Bridge Park 

Railroad Bridge Park 

The beach at Kalaloch along the Pacific Ocean

Ruby Beach 

My favorite place in my hometown and where I wrote my vows, a cemetery

Fiery clouds above the mountains at sunset

I am very grateful to be in Ireland since I was so spoiled to grow up surrounded by such fantastic landscape. Since I was so close to mountains and ocean, I could never live landlocked or on flat plains. Thankfully Ireland has a good mix of landscape and I love that my future children will grow up surrounded by gorgeous geography like I did...even if it's different.

I should really just stick to writing

Before I share my tale of utter humiliation, I have to mention something that Melynda brought to my attention. I haven't been around Blogland lately so I hadn't heard about this amazing event with lots of free books and prizes!! Head over to Elisa's post HERE to check it out; it will only be on for the next 2 days. I had Branden download about 5 books last night to my kindle! Wahoo! Melynda's books are there, Elisa's books are there, Elisa's brother's book is there, and there is a book of short stories called Open Doors which has stories from lots of people including Joshua and Janie! So go check it out, enter the contest and get some free books!

Now, onto my embarrassing story:

I am not someone that I would consider to be 'artistic'. I could hardly draw a stick figure to save my life but lately I have been wanting to get back into watercolors. My skill and knowledge of watercolor painting is probably actually less than my my knowledge of drawing stick figures, but I was determined to play around and see what I could learn and create a couple of days ago. With Branden studying on the bed, I took over the desk and began dripping colors, running paints, and creating a lovely mess. Liking the colors but feeling it needed something more, I let it dry and then added a bit of quirkiness. It's definitely basic but I like it.

Feeling that I was on a roll, I began to dig up any bit of artsy tidbits I could use to create something more mind boggling artistic. You know, the art pieces that make you think (because when it's only your 4th ever watercolor, you obviously are ready to go pro). I spied a box of crayons and my mind began to create ideas. Grabbing the white crayon, I drew an umbrella outline with the intent of 'raining' different shades of blue around it. The white wax borders would be invisible but would cause the pouring color to go around it, acting like a real umbrella would! I was an artistic genius.

So I set about dropping big soupy blues on top of my umbrella and watching how it bled and blended around the shape. I did get slightly bored and began to add some green and red splashes, but then I refocused and turned my focus onto the umbrella itself. I wanted to make the umbrella stand out more so I used some bright yellow with orange touches to swirl the paint inside of the umbrella hood. but then you still couldn't see the umbrella handle since the hood had kept the blue from touching it, so it still didn't quite look like an umbrella. Scrambling for my best artistic thinking cap (I should get a refund) I decided to do a similar rain pouring of red under the umbrella hood to display the handle and be different from the rain, still showing that the umbrella kept the rain away.

When I was done, I proudly looked at my super artsy watercolor and asked Branden to come look at it. I didn't tell him what it was because I wanted his mind to think, explore, and be blown away basically. He stared with an odd look on his face and a slight smirk in the corners of his mouth. Not able to take it anymore, I asked him if he saw it. He replied with a slight chuckle on his breath, "What is it?" to which I, with a slightly bruised ego said, "It's an umbrella but it's like invisible with the white crayon borders but the rain is still going around it." That man actually giggled and then informed me, while still giggling, "It looks like a penis".

I was stunned at his words, my eyes popped out of my head, my jaw fell, I looked over at my artistic umbrella watercolor that was supposed to boggle the mind, and saw a colorful penis! At first I couldn't make a sound, but then I just started crying with laughter because he was right! My ego was not only bruised, but now it had been fully beaten and officially pronounced dead. I could not believe that I had spent 30 minutes on an artistic masterpiece that turned out to look like an 8 year old boy's crayon graffiti! I told one of the housemates and then showed him the painting to which he laughed and said that Branden was right. He also said that I shouldn't show anyone. Yeah right, like I would deny you all the privilege to laugh at my questionable art practices?!

So here it is. I think I will title it, "Death of an Art Career" or "Washed out Ego".

You Spammers Crack Me Up!

My blogging has been limited lately due to me being up to my eyeballs in stuff going on...and considering that I'm only 5'2", it doesn't take much to reach my eyeballs! With too much to try and attempt to update (no, still not pregnant and still not planning on it for years and years to come), I will just give you what you came here for, a laugh!

Since I am wildly popular, or maybe it's just because I'm weird, I have attracted some spam comments over time. The thing about my spam comments, is that they are too funny to find annoying and delete forever. This does mean that I have a load of floating comments in my spam folder, but they bring me great joy as I read how ironic they are on certain posts and how ridiculously obvious it is that they are spam, despite them trying to pull the old "act normal and maybe she'll fall for it and post it on her hugely popular blog so we can get millions of hits and retire early" scheme.

Take this comment for example:

"Hi! Would you mind if I share your blog with my zynga group? There's a lot of people that I think would really enjoy your content. Please let me know. Cheers Here is my web-site :wellington boots sale"

Ha! Your shameless flattery doesn't fool this girl! If you actually had a personal site that was "wellington boots sale" then you really need to go out and get yourself a nickname or hobby. Plus, I already own a pair of wellington boots, thank you very much!

There are other ways that the spammers try and pull the wool over my eyes. Like this one:

Hello! Quick question that's completely off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My blog looks weird when viewing from my apple iphone. I'm trying to find a theme or plugin that might be able to resolve this problem. If you have any recommendations, please share. With thanks! Here is my web blog ... You Could Try This Out

Trying to play with the ever so helpful personality? Well too bad; I'm onto you! ...mostly because your blog link was just an ad for eyedrops...and I also wouldn't have the first clue as to how to answer your question as I'm technologically impaired and am terrified to go near something as up to date as an iPhone.

My favorite spammers though, are the ones that try to act like a normal commenter but they obviously didn't read the post they commented on, especially when they provide their links! For example:

I am extremely inspired together with your writing talents and also with the format for your blog. Is that this a paid subject matter or did you customize it yourself? Either way stay up the excellent quality writing, it's rare to look a nice blog like this one nowadays.. There are a few good critiques i have found the following http://www.mycrappyreviewsite.bla and http://blablablajusttryingtogetpublicity.org/ - just lookin to help! Have a look at my weblog - gorilla swing sets

Firstly, your flattery did not fool me again, especially since you left this comment on my Skinny Dipping Story and I know for a fact that you were nowhere inspired or wowed by my 'writing talents' for a tale like that! And paid subject matter?? Why yes, I actually do get paid to discuss the horrors of skinny dipping in rural America...um NO! And "stay up the excellent quality writing"? Oh the irony! But on a side note, do you set up swing sets secretly in the night in public locations, or are they actually for gorillas? I realized your grammar is totally off so your spelling may be as well, so if you mean the first thing, then you need to change your website to "Guerrilla swing sets". That's my 'good critique' for you.

Then there is the super odd spammer, who makes no sense at all and you are left scratching your head trying to translate it. Like this particular spammer:

What i do not understood is in reality how you're not really a lot more well-preferred than you may be now. You are so intelligent. You already know thus significantly relating to this topic, made me for my part consider it from numerous various angles. Its like men and women aren't interested unless it's something to accomplish with Girl gaga! Your own stuffs nice. At all times deal with it up! My webpage: lotto software

My attempted translation of the first line:
"I don't get how you are not more wildly popular that you are now" I know right?

Translation of second line:
"You are so intelligent" ok, so maybe that wasn't necessary to translate but I just liked repeating it!

3rd line translation:
"I know a lot on this topic and caused him to think about it in lots of different ways" That's impressive considering this was my post about how stupid a lotto commercial is over here that states you have a better chance of winning than you do of being attacked by a bear...easy since there are NO BEARS IN IRELAND!!! *except in zoos

4th line translation: 
"??? ??? ??? Girl gaga???" I am lost and have no clue.

5th & 6th line translation:
"your writing is nice but bla bla bla, I don't speak English"

And then since the whole point of the post was to make fun of the Lotto, he kindly gave me a link to his lotto software website! How sweet and very, very dumb.

As stupid as my spammers are, they have brought me great laughter and some confusion, but as a whole, I quite like them. But I'd like to leave a final note to normal spammers: Normal spammers, please do not leave me comments as you are dull and boring. And just to clarify, normal spammers are those who speak English as their first language, who have genuinely interesting websites and actually read my posts. Thank you! 

Translations may vary...

Branden's laptop now has a dictate feature. Does it work? Technically yes. Very well? Not so much. In all fairness, if I were to be nice to it and speak slowly then it may work better, but that's not very fun! How it works, is you hit a button twice and the little mic symbol shows up, letting you know that it's starting to record. You speak for about 2 minutes and then the symbol shows you that it's done and then you wait to see how it mutilated your words! Great fun!

So today, I have a few pre-prepared things I want to say and see how the dictate feature slaughters it to a million bits handles it. Something to note, for punctuation, I have to actually say the word "comma" or "exclamation point" in order for the dictate to include it in. I will post my actual words first and then you can read the dictate's translation, and then my thoughts on it after. Enjoy!

My Actual Words:
Hello and welcome to Padded Cell Confessions! I'm Maggie, your Princess and most people find me to be quite quirky, random, and a bit of an odd duck really. I'm nuts about animals, my favorite animal is an ocelot, and I also am crazy about my husband Branden.

The Dictate's Translation:
Hello and welcome to Patisel confessions estimation point I Meggie, your princess and most people find me to be quicker quirky, random, and it did not definitely. I'm not about animals, my favorite animals and ocelot, and I'm also crazy but my husband Brendan.

What in the world is Patisel? I also don't appreciate that it misspelled Branden and my names. At least it seemed to know what an ocelot was! Ok, that was a fairly easy one so now onto something a bit harder.

My Actual Words:
When I was a kid, I had a lisp. My mom didn't want to pay for speech therapy so she just held my jaw closed and made me say things like "sissy" and "Sally sells seashells by the seashore". It worked, as it taught me that I couldn't put my tongue through my teeth with my jaw clamped shut! Thanks Ma!

The Dictate's Translation:
When I was a kid, I have a list. I'm on didn't want to pay for speech therapy so she just told my job closed and many say things like sissy XOXO seashells by the seashore. It works, doesn't talk that I couldn't put my talking my teeth with my chocolate shop! Thanks excavation point

Firstly, this is a true story and secondly, I don't think "and Sally" sounds anything like "XOXO"! At least it understood one of my exclamation points, even if it slaughtered the last one...and left my mom out! The most important part of this whole translation, is that I apparently have a chocolate shop! Maybe it just translates what we're thinking...??? On to my last chance of confusing the heck out of this thing, and I'll make it a good one!

My Actual Words:
My best girl friend Chrissy likes to have weird phrases she learns in Spanish like "duck with a stick" and "my hovercraft is covered in eels". Branden is planning on stopping by the fishmonger after work today to pick up some whiting. Last night we made chicken roulade which is chicken breast that we stuffed with a mixture of mushrooms, onions, asparagus, and boursin, then wrapped in parma ham. Tasty!

The Dictate's Translation:
I Bescoe from Christy likes to have refreezes she likes to learning Spanish like hooked up with a stick quote and my hovercraft is covered in meals. Brandon is planning on stopping by the fishmonger after work today to pick up some waiting. SMH
Which is a chicken breast that we stuffed with a picture of mushrooms, onions, asparagus, and Bjornson, and wrapped in Birmingham. Tasty excavation point

Um wow. "Hooked up with a stick"?? At least it knew what a fishmonger was but we definitely didn't stuff our chicken with a picture of mushrooms and wrap it in Birmingham! I think the "SMH" means it had no idea what I said for that whole sentence so maybe I should give it another try...

The Dictate's 2nd Translation:
My best girlfriend Chrissy
Replacement face is she going to Spanish like that with a stick and I have a customer to Neills. Brennan is planning on stopping by the fishmonger after work today to pick up some waiting. Laughing made chicken
Which is chicken breast we stuffed with a mixture of mushrooms, onions, asparagus, and going to come and occupy him. Tasty! 

I'm not sure if that's better...either way, it was still entertaining! It did get Chrissy's name right this time, but she doesn't have or need a replacement face! Laughing chicken may be a bit odd to eat and I have no clue who Brennan is despite that I apparently need to 'occupy him'...???

I hope you enjoyed these horrible translations as much as I did! If you have anything you want me to tell my dictate feature for future posts (I'll link your blog to it), let me know! Keep it PG, as the dictate feature seems to turn it a bit PG-13 on it's own... Happy Wednesday!

Not a suitable TP substitute!

Going into the cupboard to get more toilet paper, I noticed along with a description of softness, there was a picture of a fuzzy baby duck on the packaging. This got me thinking so I took the packaging into Branden, who was studying in the living room.

Me: Have you every thought while using the TP that it reminds you of wiping with a baby duck?

Branden (oddly laughing): No, I can't say I have!

Me: Why do toilet paper packages always use baby ducks or puppies as a comparative reference for how soft our toilet paper is?

Branden: I don't know but they do tend to go for fluffy animals to let you know how soft it is.

Me: But how many people actually know what it feels like to wipe their bum with a puppy? Did the advertising manager find himself having to go to the bathroom outside near a pond, and the only thing nearby was a baby duck? That's pretty disturbing!

Branden: I don't know Mags...

What is wrong with our world???

Recent Development:
Branden and I went shopping and had to pick up some more TP at the store. I found that apparently regular toilet paper feels like a baby duck, toilet paper with aloe feels like a kitten, and peach scented toilet paper feels like a baby bunny! If there was ever a time to be against animal testing, then this is it!

Mauled by a Mountain Lion

I HATE technology. I have the most basic phone that I can own, I text like a grandma with severe arthritis, but I kick serious booty on my snake game. Branden's laptop is a Mac and I don't mind it for the most part, it's gotten me by in the days before I was blessed with my laptop. (Joshua rocks!) The newest upgraded system for Mac is coming out and there is something about it that irritates me to no end: it's called "Mountain Lion"! The current system is called "Snow Leopard" which I think is just some desperate ploy to get nerds sounding "cool" by talking about the vicious big cats that they own....it's not working fyi.

Branden is all excited that Mountain Lion is coming out because it will have so many new 'cool' features. I told him that if we are buying anything called "Mountain Lion" then I expect his face to be fully mauled by the time it's completely downloaded. We even had a discussion last night about him not referring to our computer stuff in giant feline terms, but I think he just loves seeing my hackles go up whenever he mentions it.

This morning, I turned on my wonderful laptop and got started on a Word document. I love Word, I know Word, it's nothing like Mac's Pages, and I like how I can find everything I need easily...until today. Now go back and throw in "used to" in all of those statements! Despite it being Word 2007, I have apparently been out of the loop for a lot longer than I first thought. All I needed to do was insert a simple calendar, *5 mins to find it* make it for the month I needed it for, *5 mins to change manually and 7 mins for Branden to insist there is a format for that in the program and go searching for it* add in a few names, *easy 1 min* and then make another calendar for the next month with the same type of stuff on it *15 mins pulling my hair out trying to figure out why it wouldn't copy and paste fully, why it wouldn't fit the names the same way, and Branden still insisting there is a format*.

I hadn't had my coffee yet so it was not my best moment when I blamed Branden completely because, "You are a nerd and you like this technology crap so it's your fault I have to spend all this time when I could have been done in 5 mins if I had printed out a blank calendar and written in the names!" and, "You have nerd connections, so can't you get someone to yell at Bill Gates for having a stupid, confusing program!". Thankfully, Branden finds this all rather humorous and he even decided it would be a good time to mention how good "Mountain Lion" will be...*face mauling 45% complete...

Finally, someone takes me seriously!

It's a good thing we went on our anniversary trip when we did as things are going a mile a minute here. When I managed to get to my email yesterday, I noticed an odd email that I almost marked as junk right off. Something made me read it though (probably because it was short!) and I busted up laughing and read it off to Branden. I have taken out their name, website, and link and replaced it with my interpretation which you will see in "quotes" and underlined. 

Hi,

We at "thinkyouarecrazy".net came across your blog and thought we’d direct your attention to something you might enjoy. Our article, “8 Exercises to Improve Your Mental Health”, was recently published, and we think it’s something you and your community would enjoy reading or sharing. Here’s the link: (www."wethinkyourreadersarenutsaswell".com.org.uk.ie).

Let me know if there’s anything we can do for you. Meanwhile, keep up the great work!


Sincerely,
"Lady who has never actually read your blog"




As soon as I read this to Branden, I stated, "They think that I am like an actual crazy person blogging from a padded cell, and they think my readers are crazy too!"


 So this is what I would write back to them:


Hello,


I can see that your understanding of sarcasm is nil, so I apologize now for the fact that you won't understand this reply at all. I have happily been blogging from my padded cell for over a year now and I am afraid that your 8 exercises would jeopardize my content greatly. If I achieve good mental health, then how do you expect me to continue my life in my cell and my ability to relate with my readers? I discussed your email over with my singing frog Gary in our fort yesterday and he also brought up the fact that you probably would want me to give up my love of licking park benches and my collection of decapitated lawn gnomes. Gary hasn't led me wrong since the time he told me to have my birthday party in a graveyard back in '99, so I am going to trust his judgement and pass on your article. 


Congratulations on getting published though; it's quite an achievement. I am technically published too, although it's mostly my doctor's research on my brain surges at the mention of the word "kitty". I'd send you a link but my institution doesn't allow me that type of access on my computer. Oh and please don't bug my readers with this stuff either. If you helped them all, then it would just be me and Gary, and our dear friend the Dustbunny, and that would sadden us all. Thank you though for seeing and appreciating my special needs and reaching out  to try and help...although Nurse Susan lost a finger that way last time...Gary's a bit of a biter.


Sarcastically,
Maggie, Queen of the Cell


P.S. For the future, don't judge a blog by it's title! ...or author for that matter!

Out of cell message...due to brain inactivity

I'm sorry buy my brain has checked out for the day in an attempt to fight off sleepiness and search for some form of mental clarity. Funny tales are far out of reach in my memory log and I'm not even sure that I can remember my age at this point. (NOTE: if you do know it, please don't remind me and let me live in temporary bliss)

I just saw something shiny and I have brief recollection of making something decadent that contained sugar, butter, and lemon so I may drag myself out of bed and see what wonders I can discover from foraging in the kitchen. I think I may be needing to do something that is often referred to as "cleaning" and "laundry" (do these words sound right?) but for some reason the only thing that I can think of is to specify the phrase "NO, I'M STILL NOT PREGNANT SO FORGET EVEN SUGGESTING IT".

Yes, that seems about right so I'm going to leave you now as typing is draining the slivers of energy remaining from my 2 cups of coffee and sugar from lemon yumminess that I ate earlier. And to quote a phrase by I don't know who, "If you see my mind wandering, please bring it home as it is too small to be out on it's own." It should look fuzzy, half asleep, and confused...so like a cat when it's just woken up...

Don't cross the passive aggressive...

If passive aggressive fury makes your heart quake with fear, then I'm not the person you want to tick off! Last night I snapped, and someone faced my anger in the form of a very snippy worded note. There is one particular house mate who knows as much about a dishwasher as I know about performing surgery on a beluga whale. He loves to put his dishes in the dishwasher without so much as a rinse that have so much baked on crap that 3 days of soaking in turpentine wouldn't even clean them, AND he places them in the most ideal place that they are guaranteed to not have a drop of clean water touch them through the whole wash cycle...if it weren't so annoying, it probably would be considered a talent. AND since he refuses to ever unload the dishwasher, he never sees that his nasty dishes come out just as nasty, but now with the nasties steamed on, making it even harder for those of us who generously unload the dishwasher to scrub off by hand. It could just all be a clever plan on his part to insure that everyone else ends up doing his dishes, but if that's the case then IT'S STILL ANNOYING!

So last night, I had it! He placed a disgusting casserole dish in a place that would yet again ensure that it would never get cleaned and with our dinner dishes filling the dishwasher, I took his dish out so I could start the dishwasher. I seethed to Branden about how I would just love to unload my wrath upon him verbally because of his countless times of dishwasher ignorance. I even told Branden what I would like to say, but of course, when Branden said that I should actually just say it I declined since that would make me look mean and I would feel bad, so I'd be better off letting animosity build inside of me that would never be released...that's healthy right? My frustration had been building for quite a while though, so I decided I'd leave the worst type of sound lashing that I was capable of...the angry note!

Now the angry note has disappeared so I have to paraphrase, but it was basically:

"This dish was taken out of the dishwasher because it was placed in a way that it would be impossible for it to come out clean. Please be mindful of how a dishwasher actually works when you load your dirty dishes so then the rest of us don't have to hand wash your dishes whenever we unload the dishwasher. THANKS"

I felt invigorated, but then also had a bit of a mental panic as I realized that Branden and I were the only people in the house at the time, besides the dish offender, and so when he came down a few minutes later he must have easily figured out that we had written it. So I did what any seething passive aggressive person did...I hid in my room all night and have been keeping hidden all day in case I run into him. But also by a stroke of luck, he apparently is moving out today! I had a moment of celebration at the thought of never having to mess with his dishes again, but then my passive aggressive brain started working again, "What if the note hurt his feelings and he's moving out because of it!?! This is why you are nice and keep your mouth shut! You may have crushed the poor guy and now he's leaving! Maybe you should make another note, apologizing and offering to hand wash all of his dishes from now on, and do his laundry, and clean his bathroom! It's the least you can do, you big meanie!"  


On a happier note, this was the highlight of last night. Branden out of the blue asked, "Why does my toe jam smell like actual jam?"

What's in my head today

Hmmmm, what to type, what to type? I am drawing a bit of a blank today and can't seem to come up with what to blog about . This means I will resort to the possibly worst option and just type whatever comes to mind. Oh wait, Branden just brought lunch in so I will be back in 5...

*elevator music*

...mmmm, tuna with green onions on tasty bread from the bakery in the English Market. It probably doesn't help that I can't think because I'm stressed out since the cleaners and the landlady are here. My anxiety doesn't like them.

I feel a bit like Winnie the Pooh trying to think of something. I once had a Pooh alarm clock. It was a plastic shape of Pooh holding a honey pot and the front of the pot was the face of the clock. A bee on the top of the pot was the button for turning off the alarm...which incidentally was the loudest possible rendition of the Winnie the Pooh song on the face of this earth. It woke the whole house up and always startled me awake with a severe jolt of terror! I never thought a willy, nilly, silly, old bear could strike such fear into a sleeping child, but it did.

I want to learn how to crochet again. Actually, 'again' isn't the correct term as I never knew how to properly crochet. I only knew how to do a single line and never figured out rows very well. The one time I tried to make a simple pot holder, it became a kidney and I gave up trying to get better. I fell in love with a ball of yarn at a store, which is odd I know, because it was a wonderful mint green color. Branden bought it for me and I've managed to so far make a couple of necklaces out of it. I would love to crochet with it though but I first need to get a crochet needle, and second, not give up when my next product comes out looking like anatomy pieces. On Pinterest, I saw something for teaching your 3 year old how to finger knit so I thought I'd give it a try. If a 3 year old can do it then I certainly would be a Jedi master at 28. No such luck. I hit up youtube to see a video version instead of photos...maybe that was the problem...still no such luck and it was a 7 year old doing the video. Not my brightest moment but I did show that I have a decent arm on me when I chucked the yarn ball across the room.

I love emo rock music; the more depressing the better. My Chemical Romance's Black Parade album will always be an epic favorite of mine and I still love listening to the entire thing and singing along the whole time. I once accidentally flooded my kitchen while having a sing along to this. Yes, a bit of wine was involved as it helps with the cleaning mood, and as I turned my faucet on to fill the sink, a particularly moving song came on. So I sat on the floor in my living room, wine glass in hand, and sang heartily along with fervent gusto and feeling. It was a moving performance until I walked back into the kitchen, forgetting completely about the sink, and walked into a puddle. Then in true emo fashion, I cried like a little girl, mascara pouring down my face over the mess I made, and sopped up the water with towels. It's still not as bad as the time I had a meltdown over the dishwasher...but that may have to wait for another day...

WhY d0 P30PL3 Ty3p3 L1k3 Th15???

Recently I wrote a post about my 7 pet peeves. I considered putting people who write in 'text language' but I found that I had already written a big rant about them back in February 2006. So here's something I dug up from my blog archives for you today (and maybe I can attempt at catching up on all your blogs today!)

WhY d0 P30PL3 Ty3p3 L1k3 Th15???

I was blog surfing on the updated spaces list...always looking for new people... and I ran into one space where the spelling was terrible! It's not like the girl didn't know how to spell, it was the kind that did it on purpose! This aggravates me to no end! I looked at her commments and sure enough, she had others like her. Here is an exerpt from one of the comments:

h3y thnx 4 da com3nt n nO probl3m i hop3 u 2 stay 2g3tha 4 a long tim3


What??? Computer jargon is not a language people! Do they even teach English in schools anymore? Whoever this kid's English teacher is, they should be taken out and flogged! My question is, doesn't it take a lot longer to have to type in numbers? And then there are the people who not only use numbers but they randomly capitalize some letters too! How is this efficient? That would take me like 3 hours to write a blog! *Add number here, capitalize that just because I'm a rebel who has my own big pimpin fo shizzle lingo!* Oh my gosh...I've just become an old woman making fun of teens...this can't be happening. I'm young; I can speak the hip lingo still...dang this turning 22!

You make me happy

We had a very busy but fun weekend. Both of us crashed just after 11pm, which is early for us, and Branden got up at 8:30am while I slept in till 9:45am. The morning has been a bit interesting because neither of our brains seem to be functioning properly. Branden told me that he almost put deodorant under his chin instead of cologne when he came out of the shower. I can't seem to form words so this short post is taking me forever to type...and I haven't had coffee yet...

It could have been a nice, long sleep last night but I woke up from a nightmare. Whenever this happens, I cling to Branden, whimpering, and trying to get as snuggled into him as possible. He woke up and knew what was going on so he just instantly started talking to me about the ridiculous dream he had been having and puling me as close to him as he could. He rambled for about 15 minutes until I got comfortable enough and calmed down enough to fall back asleep.

The simplicity of just being able to sleep in the same bed as my husband is something that I absolutely cherish. It's not something we did before we were married so it's incredibly special to me. Every night, I snuggle up to his back and wait until I hear him fall asleep, then I roll over, press my back against his, and fall asleep. I used to take forever to go to sleep before I was married, sometimes laying in bed for hours just waiting to drift off. There's nothing more comforting and more wonderful to me than to have Branden there every night, and I fall asleep pretty quickly now.

This is a bit mushier than my usual blog fodder, but I am just blessed with an incredible man who just got back from walking to the store so he could get me something for the breakfast in bed, which he brings me almost every morning. It's just under a month until our 3 year wedding anniversary and I feel more like a newlywed today than I did back then. I love you my wonderful husband and thank you for treating me like I'm your treasured wife.

Things that drive me insane!

The lovely, wonderful, fabulous, and hysterical Melynda, tagged me in a fun little award. I am supposed to give 7 pet peeves which initially I thought would be easy. After numbering 1-7, I filled out number 1 and then stared in wonder at what I would fill the other 6 with. So I did what I always do, discuss it with Branden!

"I have to come up with 7 pet peeves and I only have one!" I semi-whined.

Branden looked at me in his absolute best "are you freakin kidding me???" face.


"Ok, well I could write a list for you, but that wouldn't look very nice!" I answered his skeptical face.

"But the things that I bug you about also bug you if other people do them."

He had a point so I got on with my list pretty easily...

And here it is:

1. People on their phones constantly. I particularly mean cases like when you are having a meal with someone or spending some genuine time with someone. (there are some atmospheres and situations where it is totally appropriate) Since moving away to a place where I couldn't call or text my friends or family, I have completely lost connection with my phone. I am a super slow texter and whenever I have to get a new phone, I ask for the most basic model as possible. So many people are in a love affair with their phones and I know what wonderful freedom they could have from it so it drives me extra nuts when people are constantly checking their phones.

2. Obnoxious gum chewers, open mouth eaters, and those who bite their spoons and forks when they eat. These are like nails on a chalkboard to me.

3. This may just be something for people who live in shared housing, but I can't stand people who put away dishes from the dishwasher and don't check them! The dishwasher can leave dirty dishes so please check and stop putting them in the cupboard so that I find floaties in my mug the next time I make a cup of tea! I also can't stand those who seem to have no concept of how to load a dishwasher. Placing a cup in an upright position will never get clean; it will just collect all the dirty water!!

4. People who wear track suits everywhere and all the time. I don't know if this is just something that is going on over on this side of the pond, I don't remember it in the States, but considering that most of them only run for a bus or sale on beer, I don't think they are qualified to be wearing such a suit....plus it's about as schlubby as wearing your pj's in public.

5. Parents who swear at their kids, especially little kids! I had to bite almost through my tongue when I recently heard a lady in a store get mad at her adorable 3 year old little girl (over nothing!) and dropped an F-bomb at her in her anger. I can understand getting frustrated and even angry at your kids, but there is no need to swear at them!

6. The 'sexy duck face'. This is just plain nasty and your lips do not look better that way at all!! After my attempt at the duck face, I realized that I really couldn't do it...because I've never tried!! Yay for living 28 years and not knowing how to look like I made out with a plunger!

7. Nobody seems to get that we are from Washington State NOT Washington DC when we initially tell them where we are from. We even say, "Washington State, on the West Coast, above California, we're about 3 hours from Seattle..." and they sometimes still don't get it. I've never even been to the East Coast so no, I haven't been to New York a lot!

Alright, now that I got the list done, I realize that Branden only occasionally does one of these but he at least got the ball rolling!

Now, Melynda did tag a lot of people afterwards so I'm leaving this totally open for anyone who wants to do it! It is pretty fun to do and I'd love to hear some of your pet peeves! If you just like reading about them, then pop over to Janie's and read her list that she also posted today! CLICK HERE