I want to bring to light a horrible condition that affects everyone in their lifetime (except maybe mute people): Foot-in-Mouth Disease. This crippling condition can leave you trying to hide behind your own mug, slinking to the floor and attempting to melt away, and/or giggling nervously, which actually just makes you sound like a creeper. With such a widespread disease, it's a wonder that there aren't any charities set up for it or at least informational television programs that can teach us how to prevent, treat, and blend into curtains at any given point.
I know that I have suffered from Foot-in-Mouth greatly but as it is still before 11am, my memory isn't very good...except for remembering things about my husband. Just the other night, Branden came down with an unexpected case of Foot-in-Mouth, resulting in eyebrow raising, severe side poking, and a secondary outbreak. Here's the case study:
A lovely couple prepare to go to sleep. The husband preps his pillows and chooses the one he wants to place on the side of the bed facing the wall so he can cuddle it in the night when he's not facing the other way and cuddling his wonderful, perfect, incredible wife. *note: This is a case study so the opinion of the writer is unbiased
Husband: "This one is better because it's lumpy."
Wife: eyebrows raised "What?! This is what you use to mimic me and you choose the lumpy one as the most realistic??"
*first outbreak of Foot-in-Mouth
Husband: awkwardly giggling like a creeper "No, no, no! It's not that you are lumpy. It's just not as nice as a head pillow because it's lumpy."
Wife now begins severe side poking
Husband: "You are not lumpy! I use the other one too; it's fluffy."
*second outbreak of Foot-in-Mouth
Wife: eyebrows raised so high, they are practically in the back of her head "FLUFFY!! So I'm lumpy and fluffy!?!" more severe side poking
Husband: awkwardly giggling even more like a creeper and hesitant to speak again in case the disease takes an even stronger hold
Has this ever happened to you? With all the advancements in health and science, why isn't enough being done to protect the innocent victims, like the lovely wife, from encountering diseased Foot-in-Mouth sufferers? And most importantly, is it justified to just shoot those diseased???
What are your thoughts?
I'm laughing so hard that I can't stop coughing. I think we should start a Foot In Mouth Charity Foundation and hold a telethon. Dr. X is also strongly afflicted with Foot In Mouth, so I guess Branden is a lot like bat-shit crazy Dr. X. Oops! I guess I really put my foot in it that time.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Lola
I bet you and I could pull of one dandy telethon! ;) hahaha, no worries about Branden and Dr. X, Branden's not a Dr. ...yet...
DeleteI have no doubt that Branden is nothing like Dr. X. Wouldn't the telethon be fun with all sorts of examples of the silly things people say? We could also give examples of the hilarious search terms people use to find our blogs.
DeleteI only open my mouth to change feet!!
ReplyDeleteHahaha, sometimes I think that's Branden's way as well!
DeleteThat's funny. It happens to me all the time. Luckily I've got this other problem in addition to foot-in-mouth disease that's called Automatic Memory Eraser so all I know is it happens to me all the time, but I just don't know what I'm talking about. Do you know what I mean? (Say no...)
ReplyDeleteI have Automatic Memory Eraser constantly which is really frustrating! I also have Brain not in Head disease...
DeleteWhile working in the ER just 2 days ago, I was teaching my medical student while interviewing a patient. This patient was a female and I asked if there was any chance she might be pregnant. She answered with a firm "no". I asked if she was sexually active. She said "yes". I asked about birth control. She said she didn't use it. I said, "Well, if you're sexually active and not using birth control, there is definitely a chance you could be pregnant." She just stared at me. Imagine my embarrassment when it finally dawned on me that her "friend" was actually her girlfriend! Don't worry, that was only the 3rd time it happened that day.....
ReplyDeleteBWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I am laughing hysterically while still being mortified! How embarrassing!!! OH my goodness, I would have died...all three times...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
DeleteWell, ummm, I think no matter what he said, it would have been wrong. At least he's not grabbing you and slinging you over by the wall to hug when he's turned that way. See, look at the positive. :)
ReplyDeleteHahaha, oh my goodness, that is good that he doesn't sling me from one side of the bed to the other in his sleep...I don't do well when my sleep is disturbed!
DeleteMy foot is in my mouth so much I suffer from chronic Athlete's Mouth.
ReplyDelete...I've heard that peeing on your feet get rid of Athlete's Foot...hmmmmm....
DeleteROTFLMAO!! Statics clearly show that it's the lovely wives that are the real victims of the heinous disease!!
ReplyDeleteI think the cure for the one afflicted with foot-in-mouth disease is a...ummm...I think they call it a throat punch. You're welcome. :)
ReplyDeleteI hope he found the right pillow to cuddle, since odds were, that's ALL he would be cuddling that night.
ReplyDeleteoh yes! I have warned my children not to ask, ever, if any of my girlfriends are pregnant.
ReplyDeleteOccasionally I feel it is appropriate to shoot them in the butt. I have found that a nice bb or a well placed fork can sometimes cure Foot in mouth disease quicker than anything else. You might want to give it a try.lol
ReplyDeleteHusband, in this instance, can also be described in three words: dead man walking.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to be laughing about this one for the foreseeable future....
ReplyDeleteHave you read the book Let's Pretend this Never Happened. It's a memoir in which the author devotes an entire chapter to the horrible things that have come out of her mouth without her permission.
ReplyDeleteI have the same problem. Sometimes I'll be talking, and as I'm talking, I'm thinking "Holy crap, am I really saying this? Why am I saying this? Why can't I stop talking? Oh, god, why am I still talking?" It's like a horror movie, really. "Don't go in the basement! Why are you going in the basement?"