My Funny Search Engine Stats

After 6 months of blogging, I am finally getting freaks psychos perverts people finding my blog from their bizarre and entertaining search engine searches. No need to congratulate me on hitting the big time...it comes with the territory! I know I'll be really important when I start getting spammers! I actually did have one but I think he finally got bored of never having his random spam posted so he must have given up. I do kind of miss him..

Anyhoo, onto my favorite search engine hits!

This first one, I do have to admit that I practically asked for it. The first time I posted my Skinny Dipping Story I received endless search engine hits about it, so no surprise that I find a horde of these in my current stats:

skinny dip, skinny dip stories, skinny dippin stories, naked skinny dipping, skinny dipping photos

To all of you looking up skinny dipping stories, I will withhold judgement since I have a blog post with this as the title. I even find the "skinny dippin" searcher a bit of a good laugh because I can just hear your deep south accent saying it! But to all of you skinny dipping photo searchers, shame shame!! It's perverts like you that could have turned my innocent story into a porn site! (and now I can't become famous because of you since there is a chance that those photos could surface one day!)

Onto some people who are nice and should teach those creepers what is acceptable to look up on search engines...but still don't have much to do with me.

pretty hummingbirds

There is nothing wrong with looking up pretty hummingbirds. I just find it ironic that the original post that drew this attention was a rant about people's stupidity over confusing a kingfisher with a hummingbird! I really hope the people read the clarification that the photo was NOT a hummingbird or else the vicious cycle of stupidity will continue.

brown paisley design

This doesn't seem too odd. It came from my Random post from not that long ago, but my mind keeps thinking that brown paisley designs in a padded cell are most likely done with excrement, so I don't know if this searcher was a fabric lover or poo perv.

These next four searches just make no sense. Who searches these things anyway and why in the world did they find me in the process??

have to put bars

the bench and attempted

i have mentioned

the newer version of

Maybe the 'bars' came up from my title of "Padded Cell", but I'm pretty sure I haven't mentioned bars because I don't literally live in a padded cell! The second one makes no sense whatsoever. What were you trying to find?? Maybe someone attempting to bench press but dropping it on their head?? You have a pretty dyslexic way of putting things. The other two are just plain boring! Do you even realize the things you could be searching online!?! My world has been transformed from searches of "kitty cute enough to make your head explode", "pranks using saran wrap", and "baby laughing over pony pulling a cart, driven by a lemur with a puppy being groomed by the fluffiest kitten wearing a ladybug costume"! (Ok, so I may have made that last one up but how cute would THAT be!?!).

ridiculous christmas sweaters

I blog 1 photo in a recent post and I'm already getting a search hit from it...sweet! Christmas is still 2 months away, so maybe I'll open up to a whole new group of readers! Bring it on bad Christmas sweater people!

korean boobies

Um, what!?! I really hope this person disinfected themselves before they left my site.

thats just gross


I couldn't agree with this more! And the best part was that this one is listed right below my "korean boobies" search hit. Even my blog stats are prudish!

Branden loves checking my stats and especially my search engine stats. Just two days ago when I posted about the creeper who wanted to photograph me naked in a rural area, Branden smiled after reading it and said, "I wonder what search engine hits you're going to get from this!".

Crap! Sometimes I just ask for it!

The Marshmallow Story

Yesterday, Paige Kellerman shared her horrific story about a chicken wing...Read it and cringe!

She asked if anyone else had any food mishap stories and I mentioned that I have been hanging on to one for a while. Since she insisted that I share it and my brain cells are currently fried on bleach fumes and I am not going to be able to conjure up something intelligent on my own, I'm digging back into my archive of stories. This tale includes my best friend Chrissy, who was practically just an acquaintance at the time and I think this was even the first time I had been to her house. Chrissy and I were introduced by a mutual friend, Sarah, who is also in this tale. So without further ado, I give you The Marshmallow Story!

Last winter my friend Chrissy invited me and my other friend Sarah on a trail ride. Since I no longer have horses, I used of of Chrissy's horses. Her brother Jon came with us and this was only my second time meeting him. The first time I met him was for maybe five minutes when he came out to Sarah, Chrissy, and myself giggling on the couch and I piped up with something about us all turning lesbian.
*Bring me home to mom boys, because I'm GREAT at first impressions!*


Anyway, we went on a 3 hour trail ride, which was awesome, and when we got back we were all freezing. Chrissy's mom made us hot coco with little marshmallows in it...mmmmmm...perfect! The three of us girls grabbed the mini marshmallow bag and headed to the table in the living room and Jon went to the other room to watch TV. Keep in mind that I am the oldest here (I was 20 at the time). So me being the mature adult, put two marshmallows up each nostril and proceeded to pull my finger to trigger blast off! Since I wasn't by a garbage can, I put the two tainted mallows next to my mug so I would remember to throw them away when we took our mugs back to the kitchen.


We left everything on the table and moved over to the couch, and as we were chatting away Jon walked by. All of a sudden, Sarah couldn't speak out of laughter but kept hitting my arm. Finally she managed to get out that Jon grabbed the marshmallows and ate them! Now I was dying from laughter and somehow managed to translate what happened to Chrissy who of course joined our' death by laughter'. Jon came back into room and quizzically looked at us and said, "What happened to those marshmallow?" We of course laughed harder and couldn't answer so he went back to the TV only to return minutes later saying, "They were up someone's nose, weren't they?" No answer from us because by now the tears were rolling down our cheeks and our sides were killing us from laughter. That's when he looked at me and said, "They were up yours weren't they?" I was amazed at how well he knew me for only meeting me twice!


Of course I did defend myself because he took two marshmallows that were right next to my mug and he could have taken them from the bag which was in the middle of the table! According to me it was his own fault and stupidity for eating the mucus marshmallows. We still laugh about it and if we ever have a marshmallow roast they always buy the jumbo ones to be safe...but I love a challenge!

I do have to make an after note here that Chrissy's mom thought I was a terrible influence after this incident. She didn't want me coming to the house and didn't particularly like Chrissy hanging out with me either. I find this hilarious in itself because Chrissy and I ended up owning a small business together and I'm now practically one of the family. When I visit the States, I end up having to split my time between my family, Branden's family, and Chrissy's family. 

Small business owners

Recently, I sent some personalized cell phone charms to Chrissy. I needle felted them and based them on stories and memories of our times together. One of the charms is a pair of small white marshmallows with green wool at the end of each of them. Sorry, I don't have any photos of them but they were pretty cute. Oh, and I don't know if her mom found them funny or not. 

Reason #1,382,946.7 of Why I LOVE being Married

I was looking back on my locksmith days again and remembering all of the old man freaks that used to hit on me. Have I ever mentioned to all of you how OVERJOYED I am to be married!?! Some married women enjoy flirtatious attention from other men...I am not one of them. If I forget to put my wedding ring on in the morning and go out, I freak! Especially if I'm with Branden because then I am obviously his mistress (since he always remembers his ring). I have actually refused to go buy birth control without my ring so I don't look like some scuzzy floozy prepping for my weekend with my married boyfriend.

As if I didn't need anymore of a reminder that I am extremely relieved to not have to date, flirt or pay any attention to any man (other than Branden), I ran across this old blog post from April 2006. I don't know why I always managed to attract the nastiest of the nasty but I suppose it's what I got for living in ridiculously rural America.

And the Bile Worthy Customer Award goes to....

I get some funky old guys hitting on me but the one yesterday blew them all away. Firstly, he was completely bald on the top of his head. This typically isn't that big of a deal but he had long grey curls all along the sides and back that he decided would look fabulous in a ponytail. He needed 10 keys made and then have them put on individual key rings...no problem. I finish, he signs the tab, then hits me with it:

"Have you ever considered modeling?"

"Umm, no." I'm just waiting for the rest of a pick-up line but curious since he has a wedding ring.

"Well I photograph," hands me his card, "and it's...bla bla bla...(I'm noticing the pic on the card)...so look up the website and give me a call if you'd like."

Trying not to look weirded out, "Uh...ok, have a nice day, bye."

The card was a black and white photo of a naked woman from the back, one had against the wall, the other holding a scarf covering her back and just managing to cover her butt. You can see all the curves though. He shoots 'sensual' photography in rural settings'. ...in rural settings???

I have an image of a hay barn with banjo music and being greased up buck naked with a pig. Just for curiosity's sake I look up the website. Um, eww. No actual  nudity is shown except see through lingerie and sheer tops to still allow visuals.

The thoughts going through my head went like this:

"...maybe I should be flattered...come on, there aren't many good looking people in this town so it doesn't take much to qualify...but should I feel flattered?...he's a creepy grey haired married man that wants to see your boobies...ewwie that's just gross...maybe a little flattering??...looking at your boobies...ok, sick! Not flattering! That is so gross!"

When my boss got back to the office, I told him about what happened and showed him the card. He laughed hysterically.

Dance like Leprechauns are attacking your ankles!

I like music and I like comedy. This is probably why I enjoy UK and Irish folk music so much because quite often the lyrics end with a punchline. This song is no different and comes from the English band Bellowhead. This was aired on one of my favorite musics shows, Later...with Jools Holland. It's on late Friday nights and Branden and I stay up to see what wonderful and diverse musicians will be playing on the large oval set. A couple of weeks ago, there was a Jamaican band that played versions of Nirvana, reggae style. Sometimes the show has some really odd bands on but other times it's magical like this last week when Peter Gabriel played Solsbury Hill with a 44 piece orchestra.

Anyway, this performance was so much fun I have to share it in hopes it makes your Monday a bit more tolerable. (Please feel free to dance or do a jig)

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...passed out on the floor?

It's time for another look back on my past days as a locksmith. During the day, it was just my boss and myself in the office but since we had to be available 24/7 for people getting locked out of their houses and cars (and he wasn't going to send little girly me to unlock the drunks' houses in the middle of the night) we had help from Bob, our night worker. Usually I would transfer the phones to Bob at night and let him take all the lockout calls. Bob did help out on some of our big jobs as well and he was a blast to work with. This is a story that Bob shared with me and it is one of my favorites. I blogged about it back in December 2005 and I can't believe I've held on to it this long without sharing! So here ya go!

I work with a guy (Bob) who's had all sorts of different jobs and he has some pretty good stories from them. Years ago when he was a paramedic he got called out to the strangest scene I've ever heard. Here's what happened: A guy was sitting in his apartment when he heard his neighbor's wife screaming for help. He ran over to their apartment, the door was unlocked, and he went in. Her screams were coming from the bedroom so he entered. Here he discovered the wife completely naked and handcuffed to the bed. On the floor, crumpled in a heap, was the husband dressed in a Superman costume and not moving. 

Apparently when 'Superman' came in to 'rescue' the woman, he jumped up on the bed, hit his head on the light fixture, and knocked himself unconscious! His wife thought he had somehow killed himself so she started screaming for help. How the neighbor managed to take all of this in and not die of laughter, I'll never know. I probably would have walked and said something like, "Sorry lady, but if Superman couldn't save you, I don't think I could either!"