Thursday, October 20, 2011

My Funny Search Engine Stats

After 6 months of blogging, I am finally getting freaks psychos perverts people finding my blog from their bizarre and entertaining search engine searches. No need to congratulate me on hitting the big comes with the territory! I know I'll be really important when I start getting spammers! I actually did have one but I think he finally got bored of never having his random spam posted so he must have given up. I do kind of miss him..

Anyhoo, onto my favorite search engine hits!

This first one, I do have to admit that I practically asked for it. The first time I posted my Skinny Dipping Story I received endless search engine hits about it, so no surprise that I find a horde of these in my current stats:

skinny dip, skinny dip stories, skinny dippin stories, naked skinny dipping, skinny dipping photos

To all of you looking up skinny dipping stories, I will withhold judgement since I have a blog post with this as the title. I even find the "skinny dippin" searcher a bit of a good laugh because I can just hear your deep south accent saying it! But to all of you skinny dipping photo searchers, shame shame!! It's perverts like you that could have turned my innocent story into a porn site! (and now I can't become famous because of you since there is a chance that those photos could surface one day!)

Onto some people who are nice and should teach those creepers what is acceptable to look up on search engines...but still don't have much to do with me.

pretty hummingbirds

There is nothing wrong with looking up pretty hummingbirds. I just find it ironic that the original post that drew this attention was a rant about people's stupidity over confusing a kingfisher with a hummingbird! I really hope the people read the clarification that the photo was NOT a hummingbird or else the vicious cycle of stupidity will continue.

brown paisley design

This doesn't seem too odd. It came from my Random post from not that long ago, but my mind keeps thinking that brown paisley designs in a padded cell are most likely done with excrement, so I don't know if this searcher was a fabric lover or poo perv.

These next four searches just make no sense. Who searches these things anyway and why in the world did they find me in the process??

have to put bars

the bench and attempted

i have mentioned

the newer version of

Maybe the 'bars' came up from my title of "Padded Cell", but I'm pretty sure I haven't mentioned bars because I don't literally live in a padded cell! The second one makes no sense whatsoever. What were you trying to find?? Maybe someone attempting to bench press but dropping it on their head?? You have a pretty dyslexic way of putting things. The other two are just plain boring! Do you even realize the things you could be searching online!?! My world has been transformed from searches of "kitty cute enough to make your head explode", "pranks using saran wrap", and "baby laughing over pony pulling a cart, driven by a lemur with a puppy being groomed by the fluffiest kitten wearing a ladybug costume"! (Ok, so I may have made that last one up but how cute would THAT be!?!).

ridiculous christmas sweaters

I blog 1 photo in a recent post and I'm already getting a search hit from it...sweet! Christmas is still 2 months away, so maybe I'll open up to a whole new group of readers! Bring it on bad Christmas sweater people!

korean boobies

Um, what!?! I really hope this person disinfected themselves before they left my site.

thats just gross

I couldn't agree with this more! And the best part was that this one is listed right below my "korean boobies" search hit. Even my blog stats are prudish!

Branden loves checking my stats and especially my search engine stats. Just two days ago when I posted about the creeper who wanted to photograph me naked in a rural area, Branden smiled after reading it and said, "I wonder what search engine hits you're going to get from this!".

Crap! Sometimes I just ask for it!


  1. Normally these posts are a bit scary, but yours is hilarious, because you obviously just got what was coming to you.

  2. This is where I would normally make a comment about your "Sometimes I just ask for it" remark, but I'll withhold. This time.

    The one search term that brings more hits to me than anything is "monkey feet." I made one comment about how it would be nice to have opposable big toes and used a Halloween picture to illustrate that fact, and the hits just keep on coming. There is one on the full report that rather, umm, scandalous, and completely not something I'd blog about. I will not repeat it here so you can be elected someday.

  3. Matthew, it is well deserved punishment...which I of course turn around and make it entertainment for the day! I'm glad you like them :)

    Joshua, hahaha! Me?? Elected??? I would have to first know at least a sliver of how politics work, which lets's face it, my lack of choosing a party is probably due to the fact that I know nothing and care nothing for government (pretty sad I know!). I just have to worry about the face my mom will give me the next time I see her on Skype ;)
    Monkey feet is a hysterical and very random hit. I refer to the act of picking something up with your feet "monkey toeing" but since I haven't blogged about that, I'll leave all the monkey feet searchers in your stats instead of mine!

  4. Okay, I use the words "tushy buns" all the time, you better believe I get some fun searches out of that one!

  5. Stephanie, I love that you say 'tushy buns'! I had never heard it before and I am in the process of 'stealing' it ;) heheheheh I can imagine what weird things you must get from that phrase! (although your searchers are most likely 10 years old)

  6. I've been told not to Google 'Lemon Party'. I imagine it involves piss but don't honestly know and daren't look. Can you do it for me?

  7. Hmmm, "lemon party". Haven't heard of it but I have heard never to google image search "blueberry waffle" or was it "blueberry pancake". I think it may be worse than "lemon party" so I'll look up yours if you look up mine ;)

  8. My favorite is "naked skinny dipping." Isn't that a oxymoron?!?! Anywho, there are some WEIRD people out there!

  9. Lisa, I thought of that too. Skinny dipping = naked swimming...duh!! This just proves that there are very weird and very stupid people out there!!

  10. Just imagine the hits you'd get if you were to talk about your maiden name, or your mom's name evolution.....ahhhh the possibilities are endless!!!

  11. LOL! "korean boobies" Holy cow--that is funny :0)

  12. Tushy buns - Yep, been sayin that one since Peanut was a baby. Baby butts are the best! You can definitely steal it. :)

  13. I think maybe the bars in your blog don't refer to thank of a cell nature as much as they might to a decent level of intoxication nature??

    Korean Boobies!!! Now why didn't I think of that one when I was renaming my blog?? Just think of all the followers I would have now!! Damn! I missed the boat for fame once again!!

  14. Alicia, due to the extra load of perverts I would get by posting that story (and the freaks could then track down my family), I haven't posted those details. (although some of my followers know!)

    Elisa, yes, funny and random. Maybe "korean girls" or "korean women" would make some sense, but I didn't realized that boobies were that specific to nationalities!

    Stephanie, Baby butts are super cute when they aren't creating diaper blowing nastiness! I love the phrase and am happy to give you credit!

    Dreamer, I have thought bars could have been for alcohol reasons but I call them pubs now as bars recreate visions of overweight nasties that are in 4 day old clothes, smell like a whiskey barrel and have peanut flakes in their facial hair (or chins).
    You really missed the popularity boat by not taking Korean boobies! Now I get to reap all the 'rewards'...bleck!

  15. "baby laughing over pony pulling a cart, driven by a lemur with a puppy being groomed by the fluffiest kitten wearing a ladybug costume"! When I first read that, I almost Googled it..hahahaha These were great. I'm going to have to put mine up sometime. It's pretty scary though..LOL

  16. Paige, THANK YOU!!! I was quite proud of that sentence and it cracked Branden up for a good while and we DID Google it! Sadly this doesn't exist (yet, I hope!) but now if you look it up, you find this blog post! So I should plan on having a lot of cute overload lovers finding me in the near future
    I would love to hear what your searches are! I can only imagine!!! You have to do it now that I posted my marshmallow story *insert large amount of guilt here* ;)

  17. Sometimes I think search terms are the best part of blogging. Like fucking my skinny wife. I think that's my favorite so far.


  18. Oh my Lola! If he found that enjoyable then why try to find it on google? Isn't the real thing enough?? People confound me...which is a fabulous aspect of blogging!

  19. Padded Cell Confessions is my #1 source of korean boobies!

  20. You should totally be in the running for one of those Versatile Blogger Award thingies. From pretty hummingbirds to Korean boobies. I am not worthy.

  21. DH, Oh you aren't worthy??? From the cutest Halloween decor to a fish hook having to be dug out of your finger...(which I am blaming for a nightmare I had a few night ago about having to climb a bouncy castle thing that was covered in fish hooks). I think you could qualify ;)


Does this straitjacket make my butt look big?