Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Reason #1,382,946.7 of Why I LOVE being Married

I was looking back on my locksmith days again and remembering all of the old man freaks that used to hit on me. Have I ever mentioned to all of you how OVERJOYED I am to be married!?! Some married women enjoy flirtatious attention from other men...I am not one of them. If I forget to put my wedding ring on in the morning and go out, I freak! Especially if I'm with Branden because then I am obviously his mistress (since he always remembers his ring). I have actually refused to go buy birth control without my ring so I don't look like some scuzzy floozy prepping for my weekend with my married boyfriend.

As if I didn't need anymore of a reminder that I am extremely relieved to not have to date, flirt or pay any attention to any man (other than Branden), I ran across this old blog post from April 2006. I don't know why I always managed to attract the nastiest of the nasty but I suppose it's what I got for living in ridiculously rural America.

And the Bile Worthy Customer Award goes to....

I get some funky old guys hitting on me but the one yesterday blew them all away. Firstly, he was completely bald on the top of his head. This typically isn't that big of a deal but he had long grey curls all along the sides and back that he decided would look fabulous in a ponytail. He needed 10 keys made and then have them put on individual key rings...no problem. I finish, he signs the tab, then hits me with it:

"Have you ever considered modeling?"

"Umm, no." I'm just waiting for the rest of a pick-up line but curious since he has a wedding ring.

"Well I photograph," hands me his card, "and it's...bla bla bla...(I'm noticing the pic on the card)...so look up the website and give me a call if you'd like."

Trying not to look weirded out, "Uh...ok, have a nice day, bye."

The card was a black and white photo of a naked woman from the back, one had against the wall, the other holding a scarf covering her back and just managing to cover her butt. You can see all the curves though. He shoots 'sensual' photography in rural settings'. ...in rural settings???

I have an image of a hay barn with banjo music and being greased up buck naked with a pig. Just for curiosity's sake I look up the website. Um, eww. No actual  nudity is shown except see through lingerie and sheer tops to still allow visuals.

The thoughts going through my head went like this:
"...maybe I should be flattered...come on, there aren't many good looking people in this town so it doesn't take much to qualify...but should I feel flattered?...he's a creepy grey haired married man that wants to see your boobies...ewwie that's just gross...maybe a little flattering??...looking at your boobies...ok, sick! Not flattering! That is so gross!"

When my boss got back to the office, I told him about what happened and showed him the card. He laughed hysterically.


  1. Oh my. A friend (the real kind, this isn't about me) from high school had a guy tell him he should do porn and gave him a card. As far as I know, he never called.

  2. How come it's always blokes who are the photographers? Because they are mucky bastards.

  3. Can you just imagine the people that fall for that crap?!

    What does one do with naked farm pictures? Christmas cards?

  4. That is just too funny! And I'd be grossed out too. Ick! What a pig! Seriously.

  5. Oh My...yeah, I'd be going between flattered and ewww as well...LOL Yikes!

  6. lol That's hilarious. Isn't it funny how guys think they are so cool with their stupid punch lines ect? You are a pretty girl that Maggie so you might as well get used to it.

  7. Joshua, thank you for clarifying that it wasn't you... ;)
    If I had been asked to do porn, I probably would have projectile vomited all over his creeper ponytail! Yikes!! Scary that your friend was asked this in high school! Most high school kids are under age!

    Tony, I never realized it before but yes they are all a bunch of blokes. At least I know there are some good ones of your kind out there!

    Frannie, firstly, welcome to my cell and thanks for the follow! Good question on what someone would do with the photos! I surprisingly never thought of that in all these years. There is the 'obvious' but I really don't want to go there or maybe you're right on the Christmas cards...Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like my boobies barely covered in burlap and riding a llama! (I'm sure that statement alone has caused one of Santa's elves to fall over dead instantly)

    Stephanie, I hate to keep brining him up, but for the sheer hilarity of it...that could have been you with NJD! ;) You could have been the talk of the bar mitzvah! hehehehe (sorry, I'm evil!)

    Paige, even though I did finally settle on ewwwww, I am happy about it now because it turns out to be great blogging material! Never look a gift horse in the mouth (or while being photographed nude with it!).

    Melynda, guys pick ups are great sources of comedy so I am grateful in some ways to them. Thanks for the sweet compliment but luckily, I don't get picked up. I typically have a look of "talk to me and I kill you" when I go out so it seems to make me unapproachable which I am grateful for!

  8. Clarifying statement: It was after high school. "From" high school, not "in."

  9. Ok, thanks for further clarification...I don't want to have bad thoughts about your potential porno friend! ;)

  10. I want to be photographed with a cow pie.


  11. Well I also have perfected the art of sensual photo..... but in extremely rural places..... deserts, glaciers, swamps......
    give me a call!

  12. I think guys that do that sort of thing are gross. Good for you for having the confidence to reject him - Dave

  13. Elisa, I don't know how much more gross it could have been...maybe if he was missing all but one tooth I suppose. ;)

    Lola, LOL! Then you can cover a couple of fetishes at one time!

    DH, Agreed! Ew is pretty much the best response!

    Steve, first of all, thanks for stopping in and second of all, LOL to sensual photos on a glacier!! It may not work for male models though! Hahaha

    Dave, couldn't agree with you more on those people being nothing but gross! I have a hard time showing any bit of cleavage in public so it was really easy for me to turn down Mr. Perv with a Ponytail!


Does this straitjacket make my butt look big?