Monday, November 21, 2011

Working With an Old Fart

I'm digging back into my archives today and sharing another locksmith story with you all. Even though this happened to me about 7 years ago, I can still envision it perfectly in my mind!

First Service Call Alone:

My boss was gone on a job so I had to go unlock the house of a very small and very old man. I was nervous but confident; I knew how to pick locks. So pick kit in hand, I met him at his door. The picking began, and as I worked, I noticed a twelve year old boy's comical dream come true! The old man apparently had no control over his bodily noises and would squeak a few out every so often. Lucky for me, despite my close proximity to him, it didn't smell, but I was having quite a time not laughing. After a half an hour, resulting in a major blister on my finger, the lock would not pick! This isn't entirely uncommon, picking isn't all skill, its odds too. The old fart (pun intended) mentioned that he had problems with the front door and it didn't work right...NOW he tells me! I asked if he had any other doors and he said that there was a side door by his garage. I told him to lead the way, and then I noticed something even better than the simple 'gas leak' problem: Every step he took was accompanied by a very bubbly fart! I still have no idea how I didn't die of laughter!

We got to the side door (still no smell thank God), and I worked on that for a while. I still had no luck, and then he informed me that this lock wasn't working well either. Thanks Buddy! I had no idea what to do, and then he mentioned a sliding glass door on the OTHER side of the house. This is a good sized house, so I had to hold back my laughter as he let loose his bowels every step of the way! When we got to the slider, I noticed that there was no lock on it, thus I could not pick it! He pointed to the kitchen window next to it and said that it was always unlocked so I could crawl through (very professional). The only problem was that it was probably 10 feet off the ground. Captain Farts Alot said he had a the garage...on the OTHER side of the house!

So I followed him, farting every step, back around the house to the garage! My stomach was hurting from holding in laughter by now. He got the ladder and wouldn't let me carry it back to the window because he was trying to be a gentleman and not burden my feminine frame with heavy lifting. He was already crippled up and bent over, so I was afraid he was just going to break in half from the ladder. Nope, the added weight just put extra umph and strain to his gassy trudge back to the window! 

Must be professional, can't laugh; Must be professional, can't laugh!

I crawled through his window, got him in, went to my car, and DIED of laughter. I was there for an hour with the human fart machine, and I never laughed until I was in my car where he couldn't see...although I bet he and the whole town heard me laughing all the way back to work! 


  1. lol Best story ever!

  2. Hysterical story, and that dog's face is awesome. Reminds me a bit of Toothless from "How to Train Your Dragon."

  3. Haha! Maybe that's why he needed back into his house so badly!

  4. Oh my gosh! You wrote this so well, I could almost smell it LOL! I LOVE these locksmith stories :0)

  5. That may be the most awesome thing I hear today. Hahahahaha... That dog picture made me laugh out loud.

  6. Melynda, it was quite the memory so I had to turn it into a story!

    Joshua, it took me a long time to find the right picture but the dog's face was priceless! I really need to watch How to Train Your Dragon again!

    Lisa, I can only hope he was wearing Depends!

    Elisa, you may be happy that we don't have the technology for smellivision...I'd probably be shut down as a health hazard for this post!

    Paige, hahaha, if only you could have heard the real thing! I'm glad I was able to pass on the tale!

  7. I'm with Melynda.

    My brother is going to be one of those old men...only he'll do it on purpose.

  8. Captain Farts Alot carried the ladder because he wanted to be Lancelot!


  9. OH MY GOODNESS!!! This is so impeccably timed! I just started my GI (mouth-to-anus)rotation today and was about to burst at the seams for restraining myself from making any inappropriate comments or fart jokes! I started crying I was laughing so hard on my drive home, and then I read your post! TOO MUCH! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

  10. LOL! You're onto to something. I'd love to watch the food channel through smellivision :)

  11. Stephanie, I think my dad would like to claim that it's was just due to age but we won't ever let him get away with that!

    Lola, a very smelly I think he probably knew the real Lancelot when he was a kid!

    Alicia....mouth to anus rotation....what line of work are you in again??? lol ;)

    Elisa, could you imagine chocolate week on the food channel with smellivision!!! I would be licking the screen!!!

  12. Sorry--I am laughing too hard to be able to post a comment!

  13. I really don't think it's good for you to hold in laughter like that.

    Or maybe I'm just jealous that I couldn't have shown such restraint.

    Yeah. I'm going with #2. Pun totally intended.

  14. Hi, funny lady--

    As you know, I only recently became a follower. Did I tell you that I decided to go back & read your old posts? I started with the beginning of January & am now in the middle of April--& I've never been disappointed yet. I'm planning on reading a few each day until I catch up.

  15. Fishducky, I don't think you would have done very well if you would have been on that service call ;) You are so sweet to be going back into my archives and reading my old random stuff! Thanks for letting me know!

    DH, hahahaha, in some ways he was more healthy than me since he wasn't holding back anything!

  16. Tears from laughter. I heard some funny things but somehow you topped it!

  17. I can imagine your embarrassment during this time. Isn't it always the bad situations that last the longest? - Dave


Does this straitjacket make my butt look big?