Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Google Hits Make Me Giggle

My world could not look anymore picturesque at the moment. I have a nice warm, winter sweater on, my fluffy white comforter is keeping my toes toasty as the winds howl at the window, and both me and my husband are plopped on the bed engrossed in our own laptops! Of course the stuff on his laptop screen is much more boring as he types away at his school work, but mine is full of blog friends, facebook, and my addiction: Pinterest! Oh, and did I mention that my laptop is bigger than Branden's...

Ahhh, life is sweet and nothing can spoil it...oh wait, the house cleaner just arrived, and as usual left the front door wide open regardless of the fact that we have 65-75mph winds, it's freezing outside, and our heater only comes on for about an hour, 2 times a day! Branden went out and closed the door (after she had already been here for a good 5 minutes) and tried to tell her to close the door, but she speaks very little English...see, it doesn't just happen in America! First World problems, I know, but it's not like I even arranged for this person to come clean the house. It's my landlady's staff and I'm sorry but they suck. It would be less bother if they just soaped a cat and dog up and let them loose in the house to chase each other... things would probably be more clean that way too. I'm really hoping our landlady comes by because she is the only one who has a key to the heating system, and despite complaining already, has yet to change the heating settings from what they were back in October! Plus, she has this ridiculous thing about having the water heater shut off from 10am-4:30pm, but somehow it has changed and we sometimes don't have hot water again until 7pm. I have taken many a cold shower since living here and no, it still doesn't inspire me to wake up any earlier. We also have mold in our room and bathroom. A lot of my American friends would flip out over this thought but I have yet to find a place that doesn't have mold over here (including Scotland). The air is just damp, no matter what the temperature, and my windows are dripping with condensation every day (we even have nice double paned windows!). I have found the easiest way to defrost my windows is to put candles on the sills...except I am out of candles at the moment...handy.

What contrasting paragraphs! Sorry for my rant. I just needed to get that off my chest. I actually did have something for your enjoyment planned today. My blog stats have been basically doubling ever month and it does have a bit to do with all of the search engine hits I get now. Branden and I love looking at my search engine hits since they can be so random and hilarious! Here are some recent ones along with my commentary.

statue with ugly christmas sweater: I love the thought of the Lincoln Monument dressed to the nines in a 3D, light up, Rudolf, tinsil attrocity! That would be quite the hit, but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon, so I wonder what this searcher was expecting to find? The only statues I know of that get dressed up are the statues in Fremont (Seattle) by the bridge. Random people love dressing those statues up and it's pretty awesome actually!

I suppose I could understand that person's quest, but the person looking up perverted ugly christmas sweaters...ewwww! I hope when you found my site from your searching that it chewed you out and washed your brain out with soap!

Moving on, do you remember my rant about leotards? This caused a slew of google hits, including these doozies:
fashion leotards:  I find this to be an oxymoron
men in leotards/leotard man:  why?why?why?
platypus leotard:  ummm....? Where do you even come up with that?

Do you also remember my rant about idiots on Pinterest who didn't know anything about animals?? That is the reason for this next search hit.
baby owls have long skinny legs:  and I'm so glad you know that dear searcher, because then you would know automatically that the photo of the 'baby owl' wasn't legit since it had tiny baby hampster legs! I have come to the point where I don't even look at the nature or pet section on Pinterest anymore because too many people are insanely stupid and gullible. For instance:

This has been all over Pinterest and labeled: "Baby llama OMG!"...do you see how small those blades of grass are??? Did you not ever have a grandma with creepy stuffed toys all over her house??? It's just a toy!

Maybe my ranting has been all brought about by these slightly insulting searches that have managed to find me:
blogspot humiliation:  am I that bad that I should feel humiliated? Did a post have toilet paper stuck to the bottom of it and I didn't notice?? I know Branden hasn't been able to edit all of my posts lately but is my grammar that bad??
gross girl:  my hair is still wet from my shower, I'll have you know! I am far from gross and I have a husband to prove it (oh wait, so did half of the Jerry Springer guests...although some 'spouses' were livestock)

Although, I will say that I felt my blog status raised to a new level of cool when it was discovered usuing this google search:
omg don't tell superman:  That's right! He'd be pissed to find out that I was much cooler than him! True, my site has a smaller following than Superman, but apprently Google recongnizes that I am a threat...

And finally, just another way for my husband to show off that he's a genius:
смешные новогодние картинки: I looked at this and thought, "What in the world??? Where in the world???" and Branden takes one look at it and pipes up with, "Oh, it's Russian!". (show off!) And of course he was right too. I put it through a Russian translator to discover that my Northern readers are finding me by looking up "funny Christmas pictures". It's good to know they still have a sense of humor and it hasn't frozen off after many a cold winter spent in Russia!


  1. lol Holy crap! So for the mold problem get a bottle of bleach and some cotton balls. Soak cotton balls in bleach then sit them on the mold. Leave it for 5 minutes then remove. It'll be gone. It will come back of course because of the humidity but it will be rid of it for a day or two. Little trick from my house cleaning job.

  2. Thanks Melynda! I have been spraying the spots with bleach but I haven't been able to get at the spots on the ceiling...I may be able to tape cotton balls up there ;)

  3. That stuffed animal cracks me up! LOL :) Oh and your husband is hilarious. That's awesome he knew it was Russian.

  4. Elisa, the stuffed animal's bead eye creeps me out! I'm wondering how Branden knows Russian...maybe I'm married to a spy! ;)

  5. Ah! It's good to be chatting up on my blog reading again! Oddly enough the description of your home left me reminded of Charlie's hovel in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Odd? I think not. I think I nailed it on the head didn't I?

    Oh, the water heater thingy. I had the same problem with mine. It happens if you lose power.

    Your welcome "gross girl" LOL!

  6. Dreamer, the description I gave really does fit Charlie's hovel! Actually it's a really nice house with a kitchen I would die to have in my own home someday! The water heater problem is because the landlady has the water heater on a timer and she turns it off purposely during the day to 'save money'. I worked for a utility company for a number of years and so I know it's not saving her anything and in fact may be costing her more. ...she likes things her way though...
    LOL on the 'gross girl'!

  7. This post was so funny!!!!! And I've seen the statues near the Fremont bridge and the Fremont Troll!!!!! Loved Seattle.


    There's a statue of King Kamehmeha in Honolulu. People don't dress it but they put lots of leis around its neck.

    I've tried the soaped up dog & cat idea. True, the house gets clean. but you still have a lot of work to do what with all the rinsing off & drying.

  9. Love the searches. My current favorite at my house if "horny women." Yup, that's me. As for the mold, unhealthy. Dehumidifier? Clean with ammonia or bleach? Adore the dressed-up statues and your idea about Lincoln. Our water heater was on a timer when we moved in. Favorite Young Man dismantled it. But I suppose you have a common water heater and not one all your own. Bah! Humbug! No one should have to take a cold shower on Christmas.


    P.S. In Berkeley I saw some bike racks with knitted covers. Someone I Love said, I guess somebody was concerned the bike racks would get cold.

  10. Haha you're lucky that your search terms are humorous and bizarre... mine are just people looking to try and pirate music :\

  11. Stephanie, Branden has some great photos taken with the troll under the bridge! Seattle does have some pretty cool places :)

    Fishducky, thanks for the extra info on the soaped up cats and dogs...I was thinking of just trying it with myself and Branden but now it sounds like too much work ;)

    Lola, lol! How fitting for someone to find your blog! The mold is an accepted way of life here (probably an accepted way of death here too). My landlady came by today and basically said, "Oh yeah, it will do that all through the winter but it will go away when it warms up and you can open the windows again,". I think the windows get too much condensation for a dehumidifier; I'd probably do better with a hyper kid and a straw to suck away at the drops instead! ;)

    Mike, just say you have pirates invading your site and that sounds awesome!

  12. "platypus leotard" Why can't I get that search? LMAO Ok, I haven't posted anything about leotards, but still.
    On the subject of Pintrest..holy crap, I think I' addicted. I didn't know what the big deal was, but now? Too fantastic for words... Awesome post!

  13. For my "bachelor party", my best man and I ran into Seattle on my wedding day, got his wife some dehydrated apples from the Market, and then over to Fremont for the statues and the Troll.

  14. People crazy. Also, men don't like it when you say something is bigger than there's. Just saying.

  15. Paige, I've seen some of your searches and you get some good ones! ;) As for Pinterest, that stuff is pure internet crack and I am severely addicted...the side affects are horrible too!

    Scope, dehydrated apples from Pike Place?? At least it wasn't gum from the alley next to it ;)

    Joshua...ummm, you realize that said bigger item used to be yours... (I find this exceedingly funny!)

  16. True, however, the one I have now is even bigger. And then I giggled like a 12-year-old boy with thoughts of "bigger" and "growing" in my head.

  17. Joshua, Branden had a 17in one when we met but it hurt his back to carry it around so he 'downsized'! The 12 year-old boy in my head is dying of laughter! (oh and the 24 year old man sitting next to me is laughing too!)

  18. I'm glad he's laughing and not making friends with the IRA to send me a package.


Does this straitjacket make my butt look big?