Wednesday, August 10, 2011

A Different Sort of Waxing Story

Yesterday I shared a story about my dad, so today, I'm digging back to my original Padded Cell Confessions blog and will share with you a post about my mom. This was also my first ever post that I wrote back in August 2005:

My Saturday was supposed to be a relaxing fun day with my family; celebrating my uncle's 50th birthday. But of course reality decided that a normal day is not possible with the 'chlorine-lacking' gene pool that I come from.

I got out of my nice hot shower to hear my mother yelling for me. It was quite a surprise to find her sitting on the kitchen counter with her feet in the sink and looking quite distressed. Apparently my mother has a hobbit somewhere in her family tree, which is evident from specific hair growth on her feet. Since she is not going to be cast in Peter Jackson films anytime soon, she decided to wax the nasty hair (that I pray every night has not somehow made it into my list of 'wonderful' traits picked up by my family).

Anyway, I don't know if she just dumped hot wax on her feet or what, but both of her feet were coated in an extremely sticky mess. She tried to get it off with whatever cleaning product was closest to her on the counter, and unfortunately for her it was fruit cleaner. She scrubbed it on her feet, trying to get it off, but only succeeded in getting it all over her hands as well. It was at this point she yelled for me to save her.

I asked her what to use to get it off and she quickly told me wax remover. Great! We had a solution.  Except when I asked where the wax remover was, she informed me that it was at the store. She was too cheap to buy it. So for the next 20 minutes I tried rubbing alcohol, nail polish remover, and was about to try Goof Off, when she suggested vegetable oil. I thought that was the dumbest suggestion ever...until it worked! So my poor mom was stranded on the kitchen counter for about 45 minutes until she was saved by the magical powers of Canola Oil...and me!

After this whole fiasco, we took off for the lake for my uncle's party. Now about a month or two ago, my uncle was a 'small time hero' for some troubled paddle-boaters. So for a gift, my aunt made him a special hero suit. She had an old Coast Guard life jacket (complete with flare, whistle, and flashing light that really looks likes a taser) and she sewed a cape onto it! Of course all superhero's believe in safety first so she accessorized it with super goggles. And what superhero is complete without a song? I have been known to make up some pretty interesting ones so I got to work right away. It's to the tune of the Spiderman theme song.

 'Super Greg, Super Greg. He will lend you an arm or leg. He can run, he can dive; But he can't fly so he'll have to drive. Look out! Here comes Super Greg!'

Don't worry, I won't even consider becoming a song writer!

*We could almost be in Awkward Family Photos since my dad had the longest hair of any of us in this photo and I look like I've smelled someone's fart. This was the church directory photo too!


  1. And how does your mom feel about you sharing this story?

  2. Joshua, well she's 4500 miles away and I'm an nananabooboo she can't do anything!!

    Considering this is the second time I've shared this story online now, she obviously didn't kill me the first time so I'm free to share. My family is very open to having a laugh at ourselves so luckily they are very supportive.

  3. Ok that is funny. I wrote a post called my razor my best friend that you should take a look at. It was a while back but I think you might get a chuckle. I laughed at the chlorine line since I recently called one of my post that. I think it was before you started reading.. I swear you and I have a lot in common kiddo. My family has the worst genetics in the world.

  4. Great story kiddo. And great too that all of you can still laugh about it.

    A friend asked me to do a partial Brazilian on her 30 years ago when she was going to Cancun and had a bikini with cut outs. When I yanked that first strip of wax off people by the pool downstairs heard her scream.

    Then we had to work at removing the rest of the wax without yanking the strip from the other side. It wasn't pretty.

  5. Melynda, I'll look up your razor story. I'm beginning to think we are dopplegangers but in personality and life experience sense instead of looks! The more I read about your stories the more Twilight Zone it gets! At least you are cool so I don't have to be too freaked out ;)

  6. Boomer...major kudos to you! That is the sign of a true friend and I am more than willing to not be 'that good' of a friend! Yikes!!! My loins quiver in pain at the thought!

  7. lol Do you have a picture of your Uncle in his super hero clothes? I would love to see it!!! And I am still laughing at the family photo and your caption to it!!! rofl
    Carrie J.

  8. I WISH I had a photo of Uncle Greg in his costume! That would be priceless! Aunt Cindy or Granny might have one though!

  9. You are soo awesome and hysterical. I laughed OUT LOUD when I read that your mom wouldn't be cast in a Peter Jackson film at this time :) I LOVE Tolkien.

    P. S. OH my gosh. I hate waxing. I had a bad moment a while back. It was terrible LOL!

  10. Queen B, I'm glad I gave you a laugh!

    Elisabeth, you are too sweet! My husband may have to post a sign on my blog "Don't Stoke The Ego!". You are brave to even attempt waxing. Especially after this scene happened, I never wanted to go anywhere near the stuff!

  11. Thanks to you, I now have the Spiderman theme song starring Uncle Greg running through my head over and over and over. Dammit!!!

  12. What a funny story and good to know about canola oil. I'll keep that tid bit in my brain for if I am ever in a wax-y situation.

  13. HAHA oh man I love your dad's haircut.

    And now every time I have a bad day I will just think, "Well, it could be worse. I could have hairy feet."

  14. Sorry Vixen! hehehe, ok, maybe I'm not ;)

    Deidre, I'm glad I have given you a good tip for if you find yourself in a sticky situation! Thanks for stopping into my cell!

    Sassy, it took years for us to get rid of my dad's gnarly mullet! My sis and I are on the verge of one but I think it was grow out from when my mom got us boy cuts 'by accident'. It was 1989 though so I'm pretty sure the worse you looked the more fashionable you were!


Does this straitjacket make my butt look big?