Chuck Norris poked you - which I believe translates to "You've just been flung across the Universe!"
I don't know how to say this but you don't have a hamster anymore - Ummm, I know and I also don't care that I don't have a hamster...nasty, racist little things...
Just married cats - Only interested in newlyweds? What about cats who've been married for years? I think that would be much for interesting.
Teenage mutant emo turtles - This is brilliant! ...unless they are cutting themselves with their ninja stars...someone call ASPCA!
Coloring book llama cute - I'm not sure how cute a llama anything is, let alone a coloring book.
Hairy Brunet - My first instinct was, "Branden is more brunette than me!" ...oh yeah, and he's also hairier...
Now excuse me as I go cry because I ran out of cupcakes for breakfast