Friday, September 9, 2011

Creepy Crawlies

I have a crippling fear of spiders. Just the sight of one of these nasty 8 legged monstrosities is enough to put me into full blown panic mode which includes finding the furthest yet highest point to climb upon and then screaming like a banshee, "KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT!!!".

This is a story from my past blog life and was from when I worked at the little locksmith shop:

I went to go get on my computer this morning and there was a spider (a really ugly one with a human flesh eating look about him) on my keyboard! I'm beyond mortified of spiders and my boss wasn't in the office, so I was all by myself with a hungry spider! I did the only thing a scared little girl would do...I climbed up on a stool and armed myself with paper towels, air freshener spray and a broom. But then I heard a noise; I looked out the window...could it be? Was it a bird...a, it was the UPS MAN! Luckily we had ordered some things so I knew he was coming here. 

He comes walking in and finds me perched with my weapons of mass destruction and I shakily ask him if he's afraid of spiders. He started cracking up and told me not really but he was guessing I was. I gave him a paper towel from my stool, and he killed it and threw it in the garbage...I would have been happier if he would have flushed it because now I'm going to have images of Franken Spider resurrecting from my garbage can. Oh well! It's dead, I'm still on my stool, but I'm so thankful for my brave UPS hero! I told him he saved my life as he walked, laughing, out my door!

Now Branden is usually pretty good at killing spiders for me, but even he has a hard time with the big ones. Since moving from America, just 2 years ago, I have managed to live in 2 different countries and not once see a spider big enough to send me into 'I'm going to die mode'. Branden did see, on two different occasions in Edinburgh, 2 gnarly giant spiders which he originally thought came off of our bananas because they were so big! He didn't tell me about the first encounter because it was in our tiny flat and he didn't want to freak me out. He finally did tell me when he had his second big spider encounter which happened to be in our bedroom when we were in bed, but luckily I managed to not actually see it.

We have since discovered that theses monster spiders are called Huntsman Spiders and are as big as they are because they eat other spiders. I have been told to be grateful for this demon arachnid but I would much rather deal with the little spiders they are eating than their big hairy selves!

One week ago today (it's literally taken me all week to recover so I could write this), I had my first encounter with a Huntsman Spider. Branden and I were out in our kitchen making dinner, one of our housemates was with us, chatting about random stuff and all of a sudden Branden had a panicked look on his face. He started to shout at me "Mags! Holy Cow! Mags, Mags, Mags!!!" I knew it could only be one thing so I instantly fled for my distant high ground (the dining room chair). As I sprinted for my life I glanced down to see that there had been a spider THE SIZE OF MY FREAKIN PALM right at my BARE FEET!!!! I began my screams for death to be unleashed on this beast and Branden hesitated, not wanting to go near the creature. Our housemate, who is a biologist, refused to inflict the ever so deserved death sentence on the spider so he proceeded to chase it around with a cereal box, trying to catch it so he could release it. Not able to watch that thing move it's 8 long and terrifying legs as it was chased around the kitchen, I searched for further higher ground, and made a sprint to my bed, slamming the door behind me.  

Eventually the beast was caught and put in our neighbor's garden. I didn't leave my bed for a good couple of hours, and I made Branden search every corner of our room before I could even think about closing my eyes and attempting to sleep. The next day, I didn't even go into the kitchen until late in the evening because I was so paranoid. I'm still shook up about it and won't clean our room unless Branden is in it with me, in case I run into anything. 

What crippling fears do you have?


  1. If I'd known it was going to be such a terrifying experience, I never would've sent that spider after you...;)

  2. I used to be deathly afraid of needles, but I donated platelets every third day for 4 months. Pretty much over that. Except if it's near an eye.

    Also, you would not have liked the mo-fo I rant into in my backyard when I got home at 1am. He is no longer a threat.

  3. Paige, I was attempting at not throwing you under the bus over the fact that you sent the spider, but since you brought it up...IT'S ALL PAIGE KELLERMAN'S FAULT FOR ME ENCOUNTERING THE SPIDER!!! I COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY BLAME HER!!! ;)

    Joshua, I'm pretty bad with needles too but I know they have to be done. In my early 20's, I once tried talking a nurse out of giving me a tetanus shot...not my greatest moment. Good on you for doing your part and killing those beasts that you find!

  4. Spiders, but not as badly as you do.
    I also have a fear of dying via drowning or fire.

  5. I had a book that said dying from burning to death is the worst possible painful death. (sorry that probably doesn't help much!) If there's a spider, do you kill it or does Peanut do it?

  6. Not a fan of truly teeny places, like pipes or small caves. I can do elevators and such. But I have to be able to move all my limbs easily.

  7. Boomer, I'm with you on that one which is why I don't like bed sheets as I managed to find myself tangled in them as I sleep. I also have been known to completely freak out if I get my arms stuck while trying to put a shirt on...

  8. "I began my screams for death to be unleashed on this beast."

    Hilarious and tragic all in one.

  9. There's no need to kill spiders, defenestrating them solves the problem. Lions scare me far more than they do. I believe spiders are terrified of hysterical women...

  10. Spiders are SOOOO scary!
    This is silly, but I hate touching fish. They just freak me out. What's funny is that I wrote a fantasy novel about mermaids--go figure LOL!

  11. EW! that's awful! I share your hatred of spiders. ugh


Does this straitjacket make my butt look big?