Friday, September 23, 2011

Fun with Dick and Jane

Since the job market has been practically dead for Branden and I'm sitting around feeling useless with a big bold "Permitted to remain in Ireland on conditions that the holder does not enter employment and does not engage in any business or profession" stamped into my passport, the past 6 months of living here have been nothing short of a miracle (with little bouts of panic and stress headaches along the way).

Unlike the newer version of Fun with Dick and Jane (I've never seen the older one), Branden and I aren't about to start robbing anyone, but we did get a bit excited when the University sent Branden an email about a clinical trial that paid 190 euros for anyone who completed the process. It is a dental trial, so I did have visions of possible complications like our tongues becoming the size of cucumbers or our lips falling off, but since it was money to make that didn't go against my visa I was willing to take the risk!

This morning was the initial check in and the first thing we had to do was read over a few pages detailing what we would do, how we would be paid, etc, etc. The paperwork specified that I can't give any specific details but basically it's just a toothpaste trial for a well known brand name so my mind was put at ease. We saw two dentists who checked our teeth for various things, including the full normal check up that you would get at any other dentist office. Sadly, Branden didn't qualify but his teeth checked out well. I did qualify and had a great check out as well. All this and we got paid 30 euros each! How many people get paid to have their teeth checked!?!

My next appointment is next week, and I will get paid another 30 euros and then I have only 2 other appointments over the next few months, each time getting paid 30 euros except my last check up, I get paid 100 euros. Plus I won't be have to buy toothpaste until after December so I'm quite happy with my little form of contributing to funds and don't have to worry about my lips falling off!

I did have a bit of a funny thing happen while we were at the clinic. Ok, funny to all of you but terrifying for me. I was in the waiting room, facing a little room at the end of the hall where Branden was having his final check and where I was soon to follow. The door was open but you couldn't see anyone. As I was randomly staring in that direction, I noticed a fairly large spider run across the floor from the open door to the wall. Having another encounter with a giant spider last night, I was really on edge and bordering on having a full blown 3 year old tantrum since I'm at my wit's end with these things.

Shivers ran up my spine, I lifted my feet off the floor, picked up my purse and thought about informing someone that they need to go and kill that beast before I set foot in that room. I then started scanning the booth I was sitting in, making sure nothing was near me and envisioning a a horde of spiders living in the booth and waiting to all run out and swarm me. My mind flooded with fear and thoughts.

"How am I supposed to go in that room? There is no way I can walk into that door without looking at the area it skittered to, but what if it's visible? Would the dentist kill it??? Do dentists take the hippocratic oath and does the oath pertain to all creatures?? If someone catches it, there is no way they can walk past me with that thing alive! What if it crawls in my purse when I set it on the floor by my chair???"

Cold sweat beaded on my skin as I sat terrified and mesmerized at that doorway. Branden came out and I quickly told him what I saw. Since he was done, I left my purse with him and walked as if to my death into that room of terror. I glanced at the place I knew the spider had gone and saw some boxes by a bookcase and a desk...lots of hiding places. On the other side of the small room, I nervously got into the dental chair. The dentist put the chair in the lying down position and I felt my very long hair slide off the headrest and down towards the floor...

"Oh goodness! Is my hair long enough to reach the floor? I can't tell but what if it is? Could the spider make it all the way across the room to my hair without the dentist or his assistant seeing it? What if it CRAWLS UP MY HAIR!?! Just a few minutes, it will be done in just a few minutes. You will be fine Maggie, no spider will crawl up your hair." The dentist leaned forward into my chair as he looked into my mouth. "My hair is tugging! Is it the weight of the spider?? Is he in my hair? Maggie, you are being ridiculous, it's just the dentist against your hair. But what if it's the spider!?! It was a big one, it would be heavy, IT COULD BE IN MY HAIR!!"

The dentist finished and I got the heck out of that room. I collected my money at the front desk and told Branden about my hair as we were walking out....he found it laughable.


  1. I almost qualified for a jet lag study a few years ago, where they would fly me to Paris, study the effects of jet lag, and fly me back to study again. For some reason my allergy to amoxicillin was the only thing that disqualified me. I was like, "You're not giving me a pill, so what the hell?"

    You and those spiders. (They're out to get you!)

  2. Joshua: Hmmm, fly to Paris and study your jet lag..."My croissant didn't taste as buttery because I was too sleepy to pay full attention and I also bought the wrong colored shoes on my shopping spree so I HAD to spend lots of time in the coffee shops drinking copious amounts coffee to keep myself awake. When it came time to go to sleep, I HAD to spend all night at a chic club, drinking enough alcohol to lull me into slumber..."
    That sucks hardcore that your allergy kept you from being able to do it! Lame excuse on their part. And yes, those spiders ARE out to KILL me!

  3. If you develop anal leakage I suggest stopping the trial.

  4. Boomer, you can be rest assured that anal leakage is a definite deal breaker! Now they haven't actually given me the toothpaste yet but I have high hopes that I will only be directed to use it in the appropriate area ;)

  5. If your hair is that long, you could sell it. But think of the creepy things folks might do with it then.

  6. You're right, I probably could sell it...but thanks for putting all sorts of nasty visuals in my head of fetish creepers doing blasphemous things with my luscious locks...*shudder*

  7. "My hair is tugging! Is it the weight of the spider??"

    Hahahahahahahaha... I laughed so hard when I read that, only because EVERYTHING you were thinking was exactly what I'd be thinking. I would've been paralyzed with fear and possibly not made it in there.

    Here's to you for not being a weenie!

  8. I'll be praying that everything will go your way.

    Oh and what is the deal with spiders lately?! It's like they're everywhere.
    I love the way you wrote this though. I kept picturing you as Disney's Rapunzel lol

  9. You are such a trip! Loved this story! On to read your other posts. Finally catching up!

  10. I would have been way more afraid of the dentist than the spider. I actually have dreams about my teeth falling out and having to go see the dentist. It's why I floss twice a day and brush three times a day. I'm a freak. If anything my teeth will fall out from excessive scrubbing.

  11. Paige, thanks even though I know I am still a weenie, I was pretty proud of myself (despite the mental freak out!).

    Elisa, yes a much less graceful Rapunzel! I hate this time of the year with the spiders coming in from the cold. Two years ago, just before moving to Scotland, we had to live for 2 weeks with Branden's parents and they put us up in their basement (normally very nice). However, since they live in woods, it was getting cold and it was a basement, there were spider EVERYWHERE!! It too me about two days to break down into tears and insist we move 2 stories up to the other spare room!

    Stephanie! It's so good to see you here again! I can't wait to catch up on your site later :)

    Vixen, normally I am petrified of dentists but spiders take the cake. I have dreams that all of my teeth come loose and then they just keep falling out and don't ever stop (since I must have teeth like a shark in my dreams). I have heard it's because you grind your teeth in your sleep which my husband has said I do it all the time. I don't want to sleep with a mouthguard because I'd feel like then I'd start having dreams about football and I've enjoyed a football free life in Europe too much to risk having to watch it in my sleep!

    Tony, I've never seen it cry in panic, wet itself or heard it scream whenever I walk into the room! ;) The only way I could equate my fear would be to people in horror films that are stuck in a haunted house being terrorized by a ghost. They never know where it's going to show up or what it will do so they just walk cautiously through their house hoping nothing pops out at them. I don't believe in ghosts but that's how I feel with spiders!

  12. Man, I wish our Dick and Jane books were as cool as yours! s for the spiders...everyone has their fears/phobias. I am afraid of nothing eccept...robots. Go figure.

  13. Sounds like a good way to earn money Maggie. And yes, spiders, specially big ones. can be scary - Dave

  14. whew... that is not a bad way to make some cash! definitely could have been way worse ;)


Does this straitjacket make my butt look big?